I need to start this out by saying that I know I messed up. I already know I'm an asshole. Please just try to put yourself in my situation because I had a good reason to do what I did at the time.
Here's the story.
I started dating this guy in 2017, when I was 27. He was 22, almost 23, at the time. I was getting out of a crappy and emotionally abusive relationship that dragged on way to long and that ended about six months earlier.
He wasn't really my normal type. He is kind of quiet and way more introverted than me. I was having a good time being single and going out a lot so I wasn't looking for a relationship. He was a friend of a friend and we met at a party. He is so cute though and he has a really good body so I was kinda the one to come onto him at first. We hooked up a little that night, just kissed, and he asked me out.
He was kinda awkward at first but super sweet and respectful and I didn't feel pressured or anything and once he was more relaxed and we got to having a good conversation I really liked him. Had him over to my place that night and he spent the night. He was kinda inexperienced but sex was still really good. Like for the first time ever I felt like I was with someone who was putting my pleasure first. Once I showed him what I like and what I wanted him to do he would do everything to make me feel good before ever worrying about himself. I felt like I didn't know was I was missing.
So as I get to know him more, I start having him over more and more, and I really like him, but I still wanted to keep things casual cuz I'm not ready to get serious again yet. We couldn't go to his place cuz he was staying in his friends living room that he knew from college. Basically his only family that he sees is his aunt who lives in a different state.
So once he graduates he finds a good job pretty quick and starts looking for his own place, and I'm realizing that no one else is making me as happy as he is and since he was wanting to make things official for a while, I ask him to just move in with me and we can be exclusive and boyfriend and girlfriend. He moves in like almost right away and it's nice. It's kinda hard adjusting to someone else in your personal space, but he didn't have much stuff and he did almost all the chores even with his new job, I work too, don't worry, so life was really good. He was very grateful and I was totally falling in love with him.
Something I need to explain about this guy is he has really good morals. Like he always tells the truth, is never rude gets all nervous if I eat a grape at the store without paying first, shit like that. We were going for a walk and I told him to get me an orange from a tree and he goes, "Babe, I'll do anything if you really want me to, but please don't make me steel from someone else's tree." Like it's just an orange that they probably won't even eat anyway, but that's how he is. He had some inheritance from his dad but spent most of it on college and GAVE all the rest to his aunt who he lived with for a while after his dad died. His mom isn't in the picture. This is just the kind of guy he is.
Last year he asked me to marry him. I was unsure at first but I've never been happier and he says he's never been either, so after like a month of me kinda putting it off I said yes and or wedding is scheduled for October if everything works out. It is supposed to be small cuz of covid and he only has one family member coming and a few friends, so basically I'm bringing like all of the guests.
He has a bachelor's camping trip with his buddies and pays for a hotel room for me and my four best friends in Vegas.
This is where things go to hell.
I start to notice he is being protective of his phone and texts. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I know the pattern. His behavior towards me didn't change, but he is not a good lier and I can see he is keeping something from me. I didn't want to believe it at first cuz he seemed like such a good honest person. After about a month of me being suspicious, I checked his phone while he was in the shower and found exactly what i feared. He was meeting up with someone and lying to me about it. Some bitch with an old lady name, think Enid or something, not real name. I saw red. I was so angry and devastated. I left my own apartment right then cuz I just couldn't look at him. I went to my best friend's place and ignored his texts and calls for a while. I told her what was up and she was there for me
I really thought he was different.
So we're trying to figure out what to do and she comes up with the idea to wait a bit and since the bachelorette party is in a few days and already paid for that I should pretend that I don't know yet and just go all out in Vegas, then tell him to go fuck himself after we have our girls trip on his dime. I text him that I'm fine but my friend is going through something serious and I would have to stay with her for a bit. He wants to know what's happening but I just say it's really personal for her and to just trust me.
That night I cried my eyes out and my friends came over there to console me.
You have to understand that I was devastated and wanted revenge. That's why we did what we did next.
We went to Vegas and I didn't even see him before I left, but I text him like my like nothing was wrong and I just needed to stay with my friend cuz she was having some really serious family shit that she didn't want me to share yet. We got drunk. My friends got me a stripper who I hooked up with. They took pictures and we saved the best ones. I was going to send them to my scumbag fiance right after I dumped his lying ass.
I didn't keep anything pornographic, cuz I didn't want him having anything he could use as revenge porn, but you could tell what was happening anyway, and I kept one that showed cum on my engagement ring.
I really wanted to make him feel like I felt.
We really bonded that trip too. I felt like even if guys were scum, at least I would always have my sisters in crime.
When we get back in town we all meet at a restaurant we frequent and I see my fiance for the first time since I saw his phone. Everyone is there. All my friends and his from his trip except one guy who had work. I'm all worked up cuz I'm about to dump his ass after we eat, tell him I know about him and then send him the proof to rub it in. I hug him and try to act like everything is fine but I'm nervous as hell. Before any of that can go down, he gets up like he's making an announcement and walks up to the piano and starts playing. Guys I didn't even know he played piano so I'm confused. He played Blue Moon. Not great but that's not the point. After he's done he says to me and everybody that he's been secretly taking lessons because I once said that I like dating musicians. I don't even remember saying that. I'm kind of speechless but nothing clicks for me yet, but thank good my friend is a little quicker and asked him where was getting lessons, and that's when my life fucking ended. He says he's been getting lessons whenever he can from a really nice lady named Enid, that he would love to invite to the wedding if I'm ok with it, and that he bought a secret keyboard he would practice with at home when I wasn't around.
I fucking froze. I could feel tears coming and my body started shaking, which seemed to confuse all the guys there. Everyone was starting at me and I didn't know what to do. My best friend came through again and grabbed me and basically pulled me into the bathroom and all the girls followed. I was having a full on panick attack.
My friend really took charge again and told me that we had made a mistake but it was also my fiance's fault cuz he did lie and I had no way of knowing the truth when I saw his phone. Anyone would have thought the same thing I did. She brought me back to reality and made us all swear that we would take what happened to the grave. We deleted the pictures. Two of them went out to tell everybody I was just feeling nervous and emotional but everything was fine. My friend and I came out like half an hour later. I tried to look composed but you could tell I had been crying.
I got through that night but I'm so nervous and guilty. My friend says that I was basically single the moment I saw his phone and shouldn't feel guilty because it was my fiance's lies that made us think he was cheating. That I'll have or whole lives to make it up to him. That we weren't married yet anyway.
My fiance keeps asking me what's wrong and I don't think he believes me when I say I'm fine. He's asking me if I'm really ready to get married. He tells me he is sure, but that he can tell I'm acting different. That I tense up when he touches me. He asking if something happened while I was gone.
I love him so much. I know I'm such a piece of shit for what happened, but he's the best person I know and I don't want to lose him. I really know that now and I won't ever doubt him again. I would even let fuck someone else so we could be even, but as much as he loves me, I don't think he could forgive me if I told him the truth.
Please help me. I will do anything for him but I can't lose him. How can I live with this. How can I make it up to him?
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