Hey guys, my girlfriend (21F) of four months broke up with me (22M) seemingly out of the blue last week. There weren’t too many indicators leading up to the breakup. The honeymoon phase wore off after about two months when the new semester started, as her new course load and work schedule made it difficult to hang out (our colleges are about 30 minutes apart, and I don’t have my car on campus). We were only seeing each other about once a week at most, sometimes going two or three without seeing each other in person due to various circumstances. But she would drive down to me whenever she was able to, and I would drive to see her whenever I had access to my car. This was obviously pretty disappointing, but we always had a great time when we did hang out, and we constantly texted throughout the day. I always went out of my way to show my appreciation since our time together was so limited; I would bring her her favorite candy, hide notes under her pillow, send her flowers when she wasn’t feeling well, etc. I did take note of the fact that I never got any little acts of affection in return, but I never really let it bother me too much.
Then, the lack of affection started to manifest itself in other ways. For example, she had totally forgot that I had a job interview the morning of; I was offered the job on the spot, and I told her to call me because I had good news. I got a text back two hours later with “sorry I was doing homework, what’s the good news?” Also we would try to set up FaceTime dates, but she would usually “fall asleep” or “be too busy with homework” when I said I was ready to talk. I again let it slide because I understood how stressed she was.
Nevertheless, things were still getting increasingly serious; I met her parents recently, and she hung out at my family’s house just a week before the break up after we had a great date the night before. I even reserved a ticket for her for my upcoming graduation ceremony in May. I figured that her lack of affection was due to her anxiety and stress from classes and assumed that it would be better in the summer when I’d be done with school and her schedule would be a little more bearable. The relationship had its inherent flaws as all relationships do, but I was content with where we stood.
But then she went on spring break with her friends for a week, and I noticed her texts became quite short and infrequent. I chalked this up to her being busy with her friends, and I didn’t think much of it because I didn’t want to end up making an issue out of nothing. I got the breakup call the following Monday in which she basically said “my anxiety and stress are too much for a relationship right now... I can’t give you what you deserve, and I need a break to work on myself.” I panicked and said everything I could to salvage the relationship in that moment; I suggested FaceTiming every day instead of texting and even offered to buy my school’s expensive parking pass so I could drive up to her more often. I also mentioned that the summer was going to be easier for both of us. All of these measures proved to be futile, as it was clear that she had made up her mind a while ago and said that she didn’t see her stress levels subsiding anytime soon. She also added that she still had feelings for me and left open the possibility of getting back together in a few weeks or months. She even offered to text every day as friends, which I declined because I knew that it would be impossible to get over her if we had continued texting. I assured her that I understood her decision and that I’ll be wishing her the best in the difficult time she’s experiencing. I ended the call by saying that I really enjoyed spending the last few months with her and that the door is always open if she wants to communicate with me about anything. I muted her and her friends’ social media the next day.
I felt as if she was telling the truth, as her anxiety was a constant weight in the relationship and had a direct roll in all of the leading indicators. I had accepted that our paths simply crossed at the wrong time, and was doing really well in getting over her. But then a friend of mine came across her Bumble profile a week after the break up, and it completely gutted me knowing that she could have genuinely lost feelings for me a while ago, lied about why she wanted to break up, and is now actively attempting to replace me. I’ve since gone down a rabbit hole of shame and guilt. I constantly ask myself “could I have treated her better?,” “did I not put enough effort in?,” and “what did I do for her to decide that her life would be better off without me?”
I just wish that she had communicated with me about whatever had made her lose feelings before suddenly ending the relationship. I’m sure I was not a perfect boyfriend by any means, but I would have been totally committed to working through whatever issues she was having. In the meantime, I’ve just been focusing on finishing my last semester of college and abiding by the no contact rule regardless of how difficult it is to resist the urge to simply ask her “why?.” If she does reach out to me, I would be open to having a constructive conversation, but I am treating the “break” as a permanent breakup and recognize that I have to accept that the call last Monday could very well have been our last communication ever.
I figured that writing the situation out and receiving outside perspectives would help me rationalize the residual pain I’m dealing with and expedite the healing process. Thanks to everyone who will read this and offer their input, I truly appreciate it!
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