Hi this my first Reddit post ever and sorry but this is a long one. For context, I (31f) have been with my bf (28m) for almost 3 years. When we first started seeing each other we were casual partners (non exclusive) for 6 months. During that 6 month time I found out that he had another female partner that lived out of state and he would hook up with her when she would visit our state while seeing her friends and family. They met each other before I met him and they talked frequently over Snapchat. There were times he would ditch me to spend time with her because she was visiting. Fast forward 6 months it took a lot of convincing on my part, we decided to be exclusive but his terms were that he would cut all romantic ties with his out of state partner but keep her on friendship level basis and still be able to talk to her. I agreed to this as I have experienced being able to stay friends with romantic partners in the past and had no issues. Here’s where the problems start: when she saw we became official on fb she was really upset about it and wrote him a book of a message saying how she had fallen in love with him and that he was settling for me and he had also admitted to wanting a relationship with her instead of me and that she was his first choice but because she lived out of state, he chose me. I found out all this information about 4 months into our relationship. I had my suspicions about his feelings and when confronting him, he decided to gaslight me about it and tell me that they hardly talk and when they do, it wasn’t anything important and he would call me crazy for thinking otherwise. I took screenshots of their conversations from his phone and confronted him with it and all he said was that he was just telling her what she wanted to hear. (I highly doubted that) it took a lot out of me but I decided to forgive him under the condition that he completely blocked her which he did. I still mentally and emotionally suffer from this and we’re almost 3 years into our relationship. every time I bring it up he says he was an idiot and that he loves being with me. I’m just having a hard time letting it go. I may not be a hot blonde like his out of state partner is but I don’t think I’m terrible to look at either. I share the same hobbies (Dirtbikes) and sense of humor as my partner, we both have physically demanding jobs (he’s a landscaper I’m a union laborer) and that’s why I fell for him.
Sorry for the long rant and grammatical errors there’s probably more details i forgot to include but today is one of those days where im mentally and emotionally struggling so feel free to ask for clarification. My goal for this post is to get some unbiased insight/advice on how to cope with knowing you’ve been settled for. Thank you in advance for reading this novel of a post!
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