So I've had really fucking awful anxiety for about 2 years now, specifically obsessing about my lack of intimacy with women. I'm a 21 YO male at university, and just to get all the info across, I'm 180 cm tall and weigh 72 kg. Seems ridiculous to mention but I just want to make sure answers don't say stuff about my height or weight.
My life has been a string of falling for girls who get close to me, only to be rejected by them. I've confessed to 3 girls in my life, and all have not felt the same way. I'm in good shape, I dress and smell okay, I'm pretty smart ( I do advanced maths at uni), and I have lots of friends. I tried tinder for a while but being ghosted by girls every single fucking day drives me insane. I fell for this girl who was my good friend's long-term girlfriend recently and went abroad with them for 2 weeks (with some other friends), wherein I was constantly drunk, high and sleep deprived to counter the panic attacks from seeing their public displays of affection. It got to the point where I tried to take my own life by trying to jump in front of a train when I saw this random couple kissing in this unnamed overseas country.
I constantly only feel inadequate, anxious, and depressed and feel even closer to taking my own life than ever. The only release I ever have is drugs, obsessive exercise, and studying maths. Otherwise, it's all too much pain for me. I have tried to look at it analytically and try to perfect my body with extreme diets and exercise regimes, and I have a good body, but my life hasn't improved. I noticed girls like well-traveled guys, so I spent a lot of money travelling when I don't really feel passionate about that at all. I just did it so I could have legit stories abroad to tell so it would help my chances. I'm doing weekly body waxes, considering plastic surgery for my face, and lots of other bullshit things that my brain comes up with to better my chances with girls. I'm getting more and more desperate, and though you wouldn't be able to tell if you met me (i'm not a creep or anything, people think I'm funny easy-going and really passionate), I just want that kind of validation before I overdose on heroin one night and end my piece of shit life for good.
Any answers are appreciated. Thanks in advance
EDIT: I’ve had 10 years of psychotherapy, and my parents are rich suburban parents so one can only imagine how much ‘British dude saying long words’ counselling I’ve really had.
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