Falling for someone and something that was never there

I feel bad because I feel like I created everything in my head because he had said at the beginning that he didn’t want anything serious, and I still went along because I wanted to be cool and also because he didn’t seem to run away even if I wasn’t giving him sex. So I dragged this whole thing along and along until three weeks ago when he said he didn’t want to commit and he told me this at the beginning and he had already found himself in this situation last year and bla bla and that it was selfish of me to bring up via text that I wanted to date him. It was selfish because I wasn’t considering his feelings. And I feel bad because I dig my own grave, because the distress and the hurt that I am feeling right now is because I did it to myself and there is no turning back. He didn’t even answer when after the call I texted my decision to move on if he just wanted a hookup and he won’t reappear. But I have to remind that to myself. But why do I need to remind myself that he won’t come back? I wouldn’t even want that anymore, that discomfort, I would have no trust. So why do I crave this ego boost of having him come back? I fell for somebody that wasn’t even thinking that we were a thing, that was texting me every day but at the same time just saw this as a hookup. I fell for something that didn’t exist. I don’t know what we were. I have been so confused the whole time and the whole time I was falling but I was negating that to myself, because how can I fall for somebody like that, somebody that is actually not giving me what I want, how can I fall for that? I thought I was an independent person but meeting guys like this has made me crumble and not able to set my boundaries. And that is scary as hell, to think that a similar person can come into my life again and I won’t be able to set the boundaries again or to speak my mind or to accept that what we want is different and therefore move on even before emotions are involved. The thought that I can depend on somebody’s attention is one of the scariest and most uncomfortable thoughts I have had in a long time.

submitted by /u/illusoner
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