I will give you a very long and detailed back story so you if you dont have time just skip to the tldr at the end
we live in a conservative and judgemental society in the middle east My girlfriend has been my crush since i was 10 before i ever knew what love was Two years ago i started talking to her online and things grew we became friends started hanging out with mutual friends(we cant hangout alone because her parents dont allow her and its sort of taboo for her where if you care what people think about you you have to oblige to society rules and she cares) anyways we became friends and i developed so many feelings for her and became lovesick whenever i think of her and i did that a lot she was the center of my life then when things didn't go my way i became very arrogant and we had a fight then we made up and i confessed my feelings she said she loved me too but she cant get into a relationship untill she is 18 and was very nice about it till the point that we became veryyy close friends after she rejected me and i basically started loving her more as a friend and a special someone aaand thats when the tables turned she started developing feelings for me while I basically spent my whole summer hanging out with my personal friends and i talked to her like once a week but she still was my favorite person in the world and still had feelings for her but i was happy. then winter came we started talking more often as i sat home and we kept getting closer untill BOOM! in december of 2019 she confessed that she had feelings for me i confessed that i still have feelings for her now more than ever and we both didnt originally intend to get into a relationship but we just couldn't help it but end and start every conversation with i love you i was and still am the happiest person in the world she is imho the most beautiful girl in the world and through summer i talked to and flirted with lower quality girls and they craved me but she was a million times better in all attributes personality wise and shape wise i do believe that she is "The One" and this isnt one of these teenager fake love and lust relationship trust me on that one.
We got into a relationship and it really sucked that I couldn't see her much or even hug her and i am the type of guy who really really likes a physical relationship even though i've never had one she was my first girlfriend ever I already knew that she was respectful as we never swear around each other like not even "shit" and also knew she was conservative (not religious) but really careful about her reputation She told me we can do eveything "with limits" when she is 18 and basically go on dates alone and go anywhere in a car and i was like no biggie i waited 2 years for game of thrones i sure as hell can wait a year and a half to hug my girlfriend plus next year is a very important school year and I basically wouldn't have time to hangout anyway after this summer And well we basically had a long distance realtionship even though i was 8 minutes away from her home and i really craved some physicality and it doesnt help that i already rejected a few girls who would die to cuddle with me and i am happy about it as i would turn down marilyn monroe for her and i would never cheat So i resorted to cuddle texting as she is too conservative about sexting (basically a kiss on the lips is off limits for her) which is the main reason i am writing this post its really frustrating for me when i tell her that i'd like to kiss you and she shuts me down and says we will have to get married first even though my fantasies go waaaay beyond us making out like way more , so when we are not talking i sometimes may think about her in a romanntic way but sometimes i fantasize about us breaking up a part of me really wants to get out of this realtionship, live out my fantasies with the girls i rejected then when she is 18 get back to her and stay with the love of my life for life and eventually get married and live out my fantasies with her. and then when i talk to her i get so deep in love that i start hating myself for even thinking about it and this kept happening over and over until i got used to it and then when i miss seeing her i ask if she could send me a picture of her but she refuses and states that she is too insecure about herself even after i convince her that she is the most beautiful girl ever which i sincerely believe she refuses then i miss hearing her voice i tell her to send me a voice memo same thing says she is insecure about her voice (even though we have talked countless hours on the phone) what I believe is that she is just being careful about her reputation even though she trusts me more than anyone and loves me more than anyone she still has this barrier between me and her and i feel really bad when i get rejected and promise myself i would never ask her of anything but dont show it to her as i know its not her fault and i kept trying to blame myself instead of blaming her i used her rejecting me as motivation to self improve and i think to myself that one day i will just get irresistible even to her everytime she rejected me so this kept happening over and over and also got used to it so then as our relationship ship matured my love for her kept growing and growing to the point that i would send essay long love letters telling her how much i love her how beautiful she is and more , now she tried her best to respond to them but her responses were never even close to how much emotion my letters had and also she never initiates those love exchanges she might say that she loves me first here and there but like everytime i write like articles about my love to her she responds with like 3 lines that she loves me more and she is lucky to have me etc Now this wasnt really a problem for me as i am a very seucre guy and i know that she loved me a lot also i dont really seek validation but it feels good to have it and she rarely gives it to me again didnt bother me much as again its not really her fault but subconsciously i started losing emotions for her and me telling her i love you never felt the same now i dont know if this is because we got used to it or we overused it but i started feeling less about her and really fell into this cliché of other relationships of i want to play video games but i have to talk her and it felt like a chore and once i finish it i could play. like three month ago i would have jumped out of my chair to talk to her and last week i was busy hanging out with friends so like we talked for like an hour total last week instead of the usual like 20hours a week so this dip in attention really upset her and turns out today she is very mad at me and we are having like the biggest fight of our relationship ever and we will probably resolve it but these main three problems are what i want advice about I feel that she doesnt risk herself for me the way i'd do now i never got into a situation where i would risk myself but i'd give my life for her in a heartbeat and she doesnt even risk sending me a voice memo, also whenever she gets mad at me she never says it she just starts patronizing me and becomes mean to me and i have to understand that i did something wrong just classic girlfriend stuff and i just sit there and take it because i do not want her to feel sad if i just respond to her with what i feel even though i love her more than anything in the world and leaving her is out of bounds as i am currently way happier with her with these issues than i'd be without her without these issues
Now i would really appreciate it if you could give me any advice you have and i'd be happy to receive any criticism basically if you put yourself in my shoes what would you do?
tldr: my girlfriend rejects me a lot and doesnt return my passion
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