I’m a female who has had three relationships in my life. My first was when I was 20 years old and it lasted four years. It was extremely abusive. Not only did I have to go through physical and verbal abuse from him, but verbal abuse from his ex as well, who was the mother of his child. There was also a pregnancy between us and I lost that baby. I got out finally, and had a rebound relationship that I’m not proud of for about 6 months. He left me telling me he was still in love with his ex. I felt awful and unworthy. A year and a half after that, I met my most recent ex. After my first bf and his lies and abuse and his ex, and the rebound I had, I felt like I was cursed. This last man I met finally liked all I liked, treated me nicely, and loved me I think. We had a really good friendship and just got along so well. We laughed a lot and always played around. I told him my whole past, told him I can’t deal with lies or exes at all since both prior bfs had still been trying to be/mess with theirs. He said he understood and assured me his exes were in the past for sure and if they did talk, I would know and we would talk about it. Never was he physically or verbally abusive. But he lied so much and Didn’t take my insecurities seriously. He talked to ex through out our relationship and kept it a secret. And on social media always liked pics of almost naked women and continued to be in contact with all his friends with benefits he had before me. All that’s fine, if that’s what he wishes to do. But I feel I should’ve known so I had the choice to stay or leave. he lied about it all to me for a year. Then all my trust was gone. I was crushed. He ended up breaking up with me 6 times because of my insecurity and trust issues with him after that. And is now telling me he never wants to be with me again because I’m controlling. I’m so scared u guys. If I don’t have a controlling man who treats me like property and abuses me, then I have a man who lets me be me, but lies and hides stuff from me. Which messes with my mind as much as control. Since he lied, I kinda turned controlling and was always asking questions and I feel awful. I wish I had left instead of becoming controlling. I can’t forgive myself and feel like i deserve to be with someone who hits me again because I feel like an awful person. I know maybe my insecurities sound bad and yes they’re my own to deal with. But I don’t think they should be tested. My most recent ex admitted he tests ppls insecurities as a way to help them get over it. But I just don’t think lying and talking to past women and liking those pics is a way to treat any woman especially one who has been honest and open about her past and all she’s been through and gives you a reason for her insecurity. Idk what I’m looking for. Maybe for someone to say that I’m not a bad person? I just feel like he was my one chance at not having a controlling abusive man and I ruined it. He said I have abusive tendencies and it’s messing with my head because I never want to abuse anyone. I know what that feels like and just feel awful that’s his opinion of me and that was his experience.
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