Before you bash me, hear me out.
edit - I understand my story is just one situation out of many. But I think this situation is a common trap many guys fall into.
end edit. commence storytime.
I (29m) used to be a "nice guy"; many years ago when I was in college I fell in love with one of my best friends. She was the first girl I ever developed really deep feelings for. I had never had a girlfriend before at that point so I wanted to prove to her that I was the perfect man for her.
I made sure I was available for her whenever she needed me, I always put her needs above mine, and I was willing to bend backward for her just so she could see how great I was. In the process, I put her on a pedestal - like I had to prove myself to her to win her over.
I would be the shoulder she leaned on and as painful as it was, I even listened to her as she told me about dating other boys. After waiting a long time to muster up courage, I asked her out... obviously she said no, and it stung. a lot. But nothing prepared me for a week later when she started dating her husband. I was devastated, distraught, and incensed. After all I did for her and for all the time we spent together, how the hell could she just pass me up for a man she barely knew?
"She friendzoned me, she never like me in the first place, she just used me for emotional support because I gave her the attention and then when she no longer had any use for me, she just discarded me." - these were the thoughts I used to have at the time in my own victim pity party.
Over the years since then, our friendship has fizzled out but maturity has set in. But if it isn't obvious enough, I friendzoned myself because I wasn't living my own life.
Had I learned to put my own needs first and live my own life on my own terms, I would have made my stance clear. Maybe she did like me at first, but because I didn't stand up for myself and ask her out and make my feelings known, she may have thought I wasn't interested in anything beyond friendship. Had I had the balls to ask her, that's not guaranteeing she would've said yes, but I'd have gotten an answer. I'd have been ready to walk away and I guarantee she would have respected me a lot more.
I never thought I was entitled because I knew that she wasn't obliged to say yes to me. But I just couldn't fathom why she'd ever say no, when I was doing everything she wanted. It turns out women don't want someone they can have on a leash, they want a strong man who knows what he wants. We men have to have at least that much confidence to be comfortable as we are.
Because I was being a "nice guy", I really wasn't being who I truly was. So even if she liked me, she wouldn't have been liking the real me. And because I put her on a pedestal, I was in love WITH THE IDEA OF HER, not the actual her.
Also for the record, NO GIRL DESERVES TO BE PUT ON A PEDESTAL. AS WONDERFUL AND ANGELIC AS SHE IS, SHE IS A FLAWED NORMAL HUMAN BEING. No girl is worth losing your esteem and self-respect over.
We men friendzone ourselves because we let ourselves become doormats. We don't set boundaries, when she crosses the line, we don't have the guts to say to her, "Hey, stop it. I don't like that you did that." Not every girl is going to like us; lol as if boys never reject girls. Even beautiful girls get rejected too. But to have some self-respect is something we can all do.
It's kind of hypocritical that when we men get rejected by the ladies, we complain that we're friendzoned. But when ladies get rejected by men, they generally know that there's another man out there for them... I don't hear them complaining about the friendzone anywhere as much as men.
Guys, we can do better than this. Now bash me in the comments all you want.
Also please do offer other opinions and viewpoints.
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