Hiii, so I(F19) have been trying to date this year and forgetting COVID-19 for the moment, I still am ruining most chances at dates because of my own hang ups. It feels like the people in my age range on bumble (18-22) are all so much more grown up than me, most of them have their driver’s license, are confident and know what they’re doing in their lives. In comparison, I still feel like an awkward, clueless teenager. I’m still on my Learner’s permit and am nowhere near getting my license (I don’t even like cars or driving anyway but it would be better to have a license). I have almost zero confidence and have bad social anxiety, especially around boys/men.
I don’t know if this is a normal thing or if it’s just Australian alcohol culture but the majority of guys ask me if I want to get a drink for the first meet up/date. I don’t understand how they see this as a good option for meeting someone for the first time. I’ve only been to bars a few times in the last two years with some friends and each time has been very disappointing because of my own anxiety and me not fitting in there. That isn’t to say that I don’t try to have fun, and I do drink alcohol when I’m there (although I’ve never been drunk, I think the most I’ve had at once is 2.5 drinks). Besides this, safety and transport home would be horrible. I would never feel safe meeting a random guy at a bar on my own, especially a bar in the city which is where they usually offer. I would be scared of them doing something bad to me or expecting physical things. The guys who suggest this don’t seem bad, one of them was nice and we had actually already been messaging for a while. I feel awful because I almost always end up ghosting or blocking the guys who ask me out for a drink, because I don’t know how to communicate my feelings about this and am confused myself anyway. I would rather meet for coffee, lunch or a movie in a shopping centre during the day, since those are the places I go most often anyway and I feel comfortable there.
I feel so behind to the other people my age and on these apps. On dates, guys have asked me what days of the week I usually go out drinking. I don’t know what to say to that, I usually just say that it’s not a regular thing. They all seem so laidback and chill. I feel like a mixture of a child and a middle aged woman crammed into a young adult body. They shake their heads or laugh under their breath when I tell them that I don’t have my license yet. Little do they know that I don’t have it yet because I can’t really afford lessons and the only person able and willing to teach me is my dad, and he’s an abusive person who used to scream and hit me (my parents have split since so he doesn’t live with us anymore).
I feel so behind compared to other young adults and university students. My own relatives make fun of me for not having friends to go out drinking with each weekend like other people my age (my closest friends don’t drink or like going out). My cousins who are in primary school have had multiple “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” already and they make fun of me for not having had one, one time they started teasing me really loudly about it when we were on a holiday and everyone stared. I feel so alone and like a weirdo.
At the same time while I don’t fit in with these guys, I also don’t feel a connection to the guys who seem similar. I once went on a date with a guy who had no license, wasn’t studying or working, had no friends and was extremely awkward. My friends said that I should have been happy to find someone similar to me (even though I have friends, a job and I‘m in uni). I guess it didn’t help that I didn’t find him physically attractive at all and the way he communicated via messages was completely different to real life.
I still feel like I’m stuck in the awkward teenage stage that I never got to live out. I get excited just going to the movies or shops with my friends because I barely did that during school. When people ask why I haven’t dated or had any kind of romantic/sexual experiences yet, I say that it’s because I went to an all girls school. That isn’t the truth though, since most girls from that school now have boyfriends or they dated during school too. Plus, I’m bisexual so I could theoretically date girls as well. I’ve suppressed every single crush that I’ve had on someone and never has anyone had a crush on me as far as I know. Nowadays, when a guy I don’t know tries to talk to me in just a friendly way, I get scared and have literally been known to duck under furniture and hide behind cars to get away.
There have been guys online who have asked me out on normal dates that don’t involve alcohol but I usually still don’t go because of anxiety or because I never liked them in the first place. I have this horrible habit of swiping left on people I find super attractive and right on people I don’t really find attractive because I feel like I’m too unattractive myself. Then I end up messaging and continuing conversations for ages with guys I don’t really like just because I feel too bad to stop messaging them. And then they’ll ask me out and I’ll agree only to eventually ghost them before making actual plans, all because I was too awkward to stop talking to them in the first place.
I feel emotionally exhausted now just from swiping for a few minutes or sending a couple of messages, even if I genuinely like the person I’m talking to. I keep deleting my account and saying that I’ll take a break from dating, then I end up making a new account in less than a week because I’m lonely and horny and I do theoretically want a relationship. Maybe I want the fantasy of true love but not the reality of dating and getting to know people. I wish I could skip this whole stage and just be a chill married woman in my 30s or 40s drinking tea and watching movies with my partner and kids.
I don’t know how to navigate this. I’ve been making the effort to swipe more accurately to my feelings nowadays but even when I talk to matches I might actually like, I still have all of the same problems. I’m too insecure.
TDLR: I feel like I’m not as grown up as people my age when dating and having too much anxiety and insecurities to date properly or communicate with guys, and I’m not comfortable or used to drinking
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