For three days I've had a goal of talking to a woman. I used to date a lot and mostly women prettier and smarter than me. Well, at least one of the two. Now, I have no idea what to do. An hour ago I stopped at a friends to show him the Oculus Quest my work lent me. There was a woman out front, we chatted a moment, and I went home. On the ride home I thought it would be nice to have talked with her more. A) I could have. B) She gave me openings to move forward with an invite by saying, "she's always wanted to try VR" and asking me "if I lived by our friend". I no longer detect cues, and even if those were not cues, I used to know how to string cues like that together until they were flirtatious.
After five years of learning to live with people I don't respect, I'm an ace at compromise and communication and boundaries and consideration. Things I may have lacked in before. I'm still funny and driven and an idealist, but I'm also weighted with reality. I'm 37, broke (with opportunity) and I'm an ex-con. I lived a life that I can't really talk about because it's embarrassing and/or glorifying. Also, I don't identify with the past me. I will think about my previous likes, dislikes, and actions and feel nothing. No attachment to my previous motivations. I can't imagine who that person was.
I dread having to have "the talk" with some woman. I dread forcing a woman to have "the talk" with her friends and family. I fear the only woman who'd accept me is the kind of woman I'd rather not be with and any woman I'd like to be with is too put together to accept my baggage.
Unlike 85% of inmates, I spent my time in deep reflection. My job was assistant to the psych and the three psychs and I always talked. Yes, it was my mom's fault. :) Mostly. But I have this great understanding of self. Once you learn the value of empathy and respect and the impact your actions have on others, you can't unlearn that (which makes life more complicated). I changed.
So, I'm this new guy that has this current and future outlook and philosophy, saddled with a past that doesn't correlate.
I had many friends ask me how to get out of a celibacy slump. I told them just any chick, a 2, a druggie, a whale, anything; just get a slump buster and then climb up the ladder from there. I watched it work many times. I used to think that was good advice. Sadly, I'm too healthy to follow that advice. I'm lost. Hence, this writing.
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