Hi everyone. I desperately need advice. I know this is long, but bear with me if you can spare a few minutes.
I (28f) recently joined Tinder after being out of the dating pool for my whole life LOL (childhood abuse related). Matched with a few people before stumbling across this guy (28m) who seemed like the whole package. I'm not sure what I thought tinder etiquette was, but I'm pretty sure I threw it out the window by agreeing to a date (for two weeks from now because we're both busy at work) like 6 hours into our first conversation. Anyway, we exchanged numbers and socials and I was excited. The conversation was good and witty and he seemed easygoing. We had a lot in common and seemed on the same level intellectually, mentally, physically, etc.
By the fifth day though, my internal alarm started ringing because of a 'jokey' comment he made, saying that I remind him of the girl his friend is seeing who got pregnant on their fourth date. There was no context to this. When I asked why I'd inspired this comparison, he just said it's because he's excited for our date. So that's when the alarms went off. And then I started relooking at our conversations from my newly enlightened pov: While we got along splendidly in the beginning, he started to get progressively more invasive around day 3. For instance: He'd ask who I was going out with if I told him I was going anywhere. He also asked for nudes, but later claimed he was totally joking. He has made multiple comments about wanting to have sex with me which I have politely ignored, but which make me uncomfortable (this one is on me though, I should tell him I'm uncomfortable). He also texts me throughout the day - again, I am probably guilty of not setting boundaries here. While I guess I was fine with it for the first day or two because we were getting to know one another, I'm honestly annoyed by it now. I only reply because I don't want to seem rude by ghosting him, but my responses are definitely lacklustre. Like now he texts me before work, and I'll respond after a bit saying I've got a really busy day ahead, then he'll respond and ask what I'm doing after work, and I'll eventually respond in the evening telling him I was too tired to do anything, and then he'll ask me what my plans are for the night and then the cycle repeats itself. He's very complimentary towards me and has told me over and over again about how lucky he is to have found me - while it was cute at first, now I'm starting to feel a bit suffocated.
Having said all that, I haven't dated before, especially online, so maybe this is normal? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it's made me realize that I don't want to date anyone at this point. I have been super busy at work and maybe that's just put me more on edge. I also have severe anxiety so I could just be overthinking this. And coming from a background of trauma, I also understand that perhaps my defenses are up more than they should be. Maybe it's also just me being insecure or difficult, but... Yeah. This is how I feel and I've made up my mind.
So obviously, I now want to cancel this date. I know it's a really crappy thing to do, but at this point, my stomach just drops at the idea of spending time with him, and my irritation rises whenever I see him calling or texting. Maybe I'm overreacting. It's possible. But I've made up my mind.
How do I avoid hurting his feelings? I don't think he's a bad person, just not for me. I don't want to ghost him because I feel like that's rude. I want to be honest and say I'm just not ready to start dating. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm scared that I'll never be ready to start dating, but this one just doesn't sit right with me anymore. Would it be wrong for me to tell him I need to cancel because I'm not ready to date? My anxiety tells me he's going to get angry and spread nasty rumors about me and just not take it well, but the logical part of me hopes that if I can convey that this is a "me" issue, and if I cancel asap rather than last minute, that he'll understand and leave me alone.
Please help.
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