One of the first steps to empowering yourself in relationships is self-confidence. Society tries to tell you everything is your fault, so that you continue to have low self-esteem and keep chasing what feels like the same crappy person over and over again, all in the hopes that they’ll think you’re the right person (even if they don’t even put in half the effort that you do). This narrative tells dumpees that it’s their fault that a person treated them like shit, when in reality, if a person chooses to switch their “goodness” on and treat you properly only when it’s beneficial to them they’re an opportunist and objectively not a good person. It’s true that you can’t get a person to change and that you should have enough self-respect to not wait around for someone to change/should not feel the need to “fix” them in order for that person to choose you. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that A)someone else should solve our problems instead of pulling ourselves up by the bootstraps and holding ourselves accountable and B) That we need to be chosen, when in reality we need to be making a choice. However, when we tell people the above lie in the title, we support the idea that it’s your fault if your dumper wasn’t a good person/manipulated you/strung you along/cheated on you/treated you badly otherwise, telling the dumper that they don’t need to be held accountable for their actions because the dumpee just “wasn’t the one”, in addition to telling the dumpee that the dumper’s decision to not value them warranted their subsequent shit treatment. Here’s the tea:
If you are about to be in a dumper position (ie you know that that person isn’t for you), drop them as soon as you come to the realization. Be straightforward and be respectful during the breakup. Stop wasting their time because you’re unsure or not ready. Set them free until you are, but recognize that the opportunity cost of you not being ready is that they might not want to take you back as they will most likely have found someone who was ready from the start.
As the dumpee, the only thing you could’ve done better was deciding to leave the other person the first time you realized that they started to not treat you right. THAT’S IT. NOTHING MORE. STOP MAKING THE DUMPER’S ACTIONS A REFLECTION OF THE DUMPEE’S VALUE. Assuming you’re someone who takes decent care of themselves and isn’t codependent or abusive and is just a good person overall, the breakup is NOT ON YOU.
“But what if the next person is ‘the one’? Won’t they change?”
People can change. But true change comes from within, from you wanting to do better, not for someone else. If your dumper somehow 180’s and realizes that in order to respect people, they would have to respect all people, regardless of if that person of interest wasn’t their imaginary ideal of “the one” (which is really a cheap excuse that allows people to find people who support their bullshit, instead of actually improving their shit behavior), POSITIVE CHANGE CANNOT HAPPEN UNLESS they both recognize that their thinking is the problem AND that they do the change for them, not the next person that rolls around. They must change into a good person because idk, that’s what you’re supposed to do to be decent, not because they’re trying to catch someone else. If they’re doing it for someone else, the “change” will be short-lived. Another funny thing is that what dumpers who are only like the ones above (I recognize there are high quality dumpers who leave as soon as they are uninterested, ie not after like 3 years of leading them on, and don’t have impossibly high standards while they themselves look and treat you like shit, sit down im not talking to you, enjoy the debate) think “the one” is is really just someone who will put up with their bullshit without calling them out on it, ever. According to them, you’re not “the one” because you stood up for yourself when they treated you like crap. NOT BEING THE ONE DOES NOT GIVE THEM A FREE PASS TO BE TRASH.
Do me a favor, pick up that crown, realize that you are a king/queen, and that you dodged a bullet of a person. Their “the one” will be a person who is probably miserable trying to be silent in order to please and go over the top for someone who doesn’t even treat them right because they are too afraid to go for what they actually deserve, a good partner that doesn’t require them to be muzzled in order for the relationship to work (for the other person).
Also, if you know that the person who you’re talking to treated their past people like crap, stop seeing it as an “accomplishment” that they choose you and haven’t shown you the same treatment. They’re probably with you because you don’t call them out on their bs and join in on demonizing their exes (who, spoiler alert, they made “crazy” b/c that person had the audacity to have perfectly reasonable standards and needs) since you yourself have not realized that anyone who is only willing to treat an interest properly when that same person is unattainably perfect/conveniently mute as the first person eventually decides to put out shit treatment is an objectively shitty person who will replace you with someone who has self-esteem that is lower than yours and doesn’t mind being treated like crap/doesn’t realize they deserve an actual loving and supportive partner who treats people with basic respect….the minute you stand up for yourself.
Stop waiting for them to choose you. Choose respect and move the hell on to someone who feels the same.
Fight me.
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