I think I need a bit of perspective, because I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about things, and I've really been struggling to sort them out. Sorry in advance for being long-winded, I'm just really trying to sort everything out.
I (30M) have never dated, at all, though it was the one thing I always hoped I'd find in life. I've always struggled to connect with people, even on a platonic level, and I've never connected with someone in a "romantic" way. I'm very reserved and very introverted, and meeting people and connecting with them has never felt attainable to me. To make matters worse, I had much more opportunity to meet people in my younger years, via college and the jobs I was working, but now I don't have as much opportunity to meet people, and I struggle to find new hobbies and activities that would get me meeting people (but even then, "meeting" is only half the battle, as I still can't "connect" to save my life). I have tried online dating many times, but I just can't connect with anyone there, either.
Up until last year, I struggled to even have friends. Then I became close friends with a couple, and they've been my best friends ever since, and I also meet and interact with some of their other friends and family (no, they don't really have anyone to "set me up with", if you're wondering). I love having a social life, but it's also created a lot of difficulty for me, because I'm constantly seeing couples (especially my two best friends), and it reminds me of how much I wish I knew what that was like.
It's funny, because at first I thought I was jealous. But I think in reality, I'm actually just very deeply disappointed in myself. Disappointed in myself for not being able to find and have that in my own life, disappointed that I can only ever be on the outside looking in. Heck, it goes deeper than that; I'm disappointed in myself for having done so little in my own life. I listen to my friends and their other friends, and everyone has stories and experiences. And I don't. I've never traveled anywhere, I didn't do anything fun or interesting in college, never went to parties or social gatherings, never went on any kind of "adventures" at all. I spent my 20s focusing on school work and "job" work, and it didn't even amount to anything for me, and I didn't even walk away from it having had any fun. I love spending time with the people in my life, but man, is it difficult to constantly be around people who have what I wished I could have had.
One of the saddest things, to me, is that I can't even "imagine" myself dating or being in a relationship, I can't even imagine what a compatible partner for me would be like. It just doesn't even seem real. I can't picture myself being with someone I'm happy with (who's also happy with me), someone I can laugh with and go on adventures with and just share life with. I can't imagine someone like that who also would get along with my friends. I just can't "see" it, like, at all. And that really makes me very sad.
Something I've been thinking about lately is that I haven't actually "had feelings" for someone in over seven years. There was a girl I knew then, and I fell head over heels for her. But, of course, she was uninterested in me, and when I pursued her, she turned me down and exited from my life. I haven't actually thought about her since then, but looking back, I've never met another girl that made me feel the way she did. And that also makes me very sad. Even though nothing came of it, I honestly kind of miss feeling something for someone like that. It's hard to believe it's been the better part of a decade since I last felt that. That scares me.
Sigh. I know that's a lot. At this point, I'd be surprised if anyone even reads through all of this and actually responds, but again, I could really use some perspective. I just don't know how to sort all of this out, yanno?
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