Tldr: My friend sort of confessed to me and I refused him. Now I feel like I'm developing feelings for him and I don't know how to react.
We've always been pretty good friends. We have the same humor and get along well, but I never ever thought of him that way.
Well, a few months ago he started jokingly asking me out. It was very obviously a joke and meant to be taken lightly but I still made it clear that I didn't want to have a relationship with anyone right now because I'm going through a bad patch.
I guess it had me thinking, though. I started to be a little more conscious of him and what I was saying. I started talking to him a bit more, and a few nights ago I started to doubt my own feelings.
I was sure my love for him was completely platonic, he's a great friend after all. Now I'm not so sure.
We're both the emotionally constipated type, but he's more so than me. We always insult each other but it really works in our friendship. Even though we never say nice things to each other, I always knew he loved me back. I don't feel that often, even with other close friends.
A bit ago he somehow ended up telling me he really wants to keep being my friend and it made me feel things. I was so happy to hear that from him, especially when he's so not affectionate. I was giggling and shit, I found it so cute.
But I'm not doing great mentally and I took a break from everything because I wanted to fix myself. I don't know if I would be a good partner even if I tried to pursue it. But I also self sabotage a lot and have bad a bad inahe of myself. I broke up with people before because I felt like I was dragging them down, and they still tell me they never felt that.
I know I tend to distance myself from people because I fear getting attached and then abandoned, so I'm not sure which is which right now.
I also take dating very serious, I don't see a point in dating unless the goal is to get married. He said it casually, so I'm not sure how much he means it. It's almost as if he's desperate enough to go for me too. Though I'm sure he would date me, it still feels a bit strange.
He dosent have a lot of luck when it comes to relationships (none at all) so I'm afraid it won't go over too well because he's just desperate.
I don't know what to think anymore.
But I really feel strange now. I catch myself trying to talk to him more and being dissapointed when I can't. I don't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship over this though.
Should I go for it? What do you think?
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