I’m currently facing a huge dilemma, and I am at loss for what to do right now. Before I can explain what is currently going on, I need to give quite a bit of backstory so this all makes sense.
I met my ex for the first time last summer, and we had chemistry right off the bat. He was kind, funny, and very persistent in his pursuit of me. It didn’t take long before we became a couple, and only 3 months after our first date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Our relationship lasted for 6 months before it all came crashing down, however those 6 months were really good. We of course had our ups and downs, just like all relationships do, but it was apparent that he loved me, and I will always be grateful for the fact that he showed me what a healthy love looks like, as I’ve only experienced a toxic relationship before him. I learned a lot from him, and he definitely hightened my standards, all in all he treated me with love and respect. Around march this year was when it started going down hill. He comes from a religious family, and although I had met his parents and they liked me, they were under the impression that I was also religious. I never have been, and I never will be, and when his father found out, he got furious and told my ex he had to leave me, or he’ll be cut out of the family. Both me and my ex were shocked by his fathers reaction, as he has been quite liberal with his believes in other aspects, and this was never something his father had disclosed to him (mind you, all of his exes were just like me, non-believers, and his father never mentioned that this was a non-negotiable). This whole situation stretched out over a month, and we officially broke up in march/April. My ex chose his family, which I can understand, giving them up for a girl you’ve only been with for half a year would be a risky move. We were both heartbroken, and I was furious over the fact that the choice was completely out of our hands. I had no other choice than to let him go, and try to move on with my life. This is where the new guy enters the picture, I’ll call him Lucas for this story.
Back in may, I started using dating-apps again, which I know sounds early, but it was just something that could be a bit of a fun distraction, and I didn’t intend to meet someone I would actually want to date seriously. It was just supposed to be me going on a couple of first dates for the thrill of it, and nothing more. But of course, being a hopeless romantic, that plan did’t really pan out the way I thought it would. I matched with Lucas, and we went on a first date. The date was nice, he was lovely and easy to talk to, but I didn’t feel that immediate spark that I had with my ex with him. However, Lucas only showed green flags, and so couldn’t get myself to stop talking to him, even though I considered breaking it off multiple times over the first three months of talking to him. It has definitely been a very slow burn, and due to schedule conflicts we haven’t had time to meet that often. We met about four times over the entire summer, and throughout this whole period I was still unsure, not knowing if we’re maybe too different as people. However, for the past two months I’ve slowly started developing feelings for him, and in September we took the connection to the next level with him spending the night. I truly cannot express how lovely of a person he is, he is such a genuine and kind soul, the definition of a golden retriever and a true gentleman. I decided recently that I would like to see if this could turn into something serious, however we haven’t had that talk yet, and I don’t really know where he stands with us, and where he would like it to go. i didn’t necessarily mind that we haven’t talked about what this is yet, as it has been a very slow burn over 5 months now, and with his busy schedule we haven’t had time to see each other that often lately either. His schedule opens up more in November, and I’ve been exited as this would probably mean we have more time to see each other, and I would eventually bring it up then, unless he did first. Now this is where things get complicated.
Three days ago, I woke up to a message from my ex. I haven’t heard from him in a while, and at first he only asked how things were going, smalltalk essentially. i didn’t quite know how to feel about him reaching out, as I now feel like I’ve moved on from the things that have happened and him, I’ve been doing really good the last couple of months. He then told me that he still misses me and thinks about me every day, and that he’s having a hard time moving on. I thanked him for telling me, expressing that I hope things get easier for him and that I only wish him well. Since I wasn’t reciprocating what he was telling me, he started asking questions, like if I had moved on. I was honest, and said I had taken time to heal and that I’ve been able to put a lot of things behind me. He asked if I was open for a new relationship, and I told him that I originally didn’t plan on entertaining anything serious for a while, as I wanted to focus on other things in my life right now, however I have been seeing someone. He told me it was hard to hear and that it felt quick, but if I was happy he wouldn’t involve himself. I didn’t quite understand the way he worded himself, and so I asked what he ment by that, and he basically told me that he wants to try again. He told me that he had been visiting his extended family who lives in another country and talked about the whole situation, and that they disagreed completely with his parents. This caused his mother to change her mind, and as his dad was the only one against it at this point, he retracted and told my ex to do whatever he wants. So now, in theory, we could be together, and his family would be ok with it. It was a shock to me, and I really didn’t know how to react. I told him I needed to think about things, and he understood. He ended up calling me the day after, telling me things in more detail, the convo lasted for about an hour. He was on the verge of tears the entire time, confessing his love for me, telling me that he has so many regrets about everything that has happened between us, that he would never put me through anything like that again, that he would choose me in the future if it ever came down to it, I was the love of his life and that he still wanted the future we had imagined together. I will say, I was quite cold had stern during our conversation, as I don’t wanna do or say the wrong thing. i feel like there would be so many obstacles to get through if we tried again, and I don’t know if we would be able to get through them or not. I also don’t wanna put myself back in a situation where I will get hurt, after finally being ok again. The fact that Lucas is in the picture as well makes it so much harder, as I don’t know what potential is there between me and him, and I know that If I ended things with him I would be stuck with the thought of “what if”. I truly don’t know what the right thing to do is in this situation or how to go about it. Should I just let the past be the past and try to move forward with Lucas, even though its to early to say if that would even work out? or should I give my ex a chance, even though I don’t know if we would be able to make it work long term?
It doesn’t help with my guilty conscience that Lucas doesn’t know any of this, and I feel like I can’t tell him either, even tho I want to. I feel like it would do more harm that good, as there is so much backstory to tell, and I don’t feel like we are at a point in our relation where this is a decision he should be able to impact. If we were more serious or had at least established what we were I would obviously tell him immediately, but unfortunately that is not the reality right now.
There are a lot of details I haven’t told, as it would be too much to include, so if anything is unclear please ask. I just really need some advice on what to do, as I’m afraid to do the wrong thing and end up regretting it.
And for the sake of my privacy, please let this thread only live on this subreddit, I would be petrified if this ended up anywhere else, as the people involved would probably be able to piece together that this is me.
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