For context, I'm a late 20s man who's 5'8 275 lbs. Weight has been the biggest struggle of my life and I'm always open about that struggle and my desire (but struggles to) fix it.
I matched with a girl online that made it clear in her bio she was also "plus size", but active. We had been texting back and forth for a good week and had really great banter and it felt like a real connection was forming. We'd discuss a lot of deep topics, multiple of which I'd felt insecure about with dating (how I live with my parents at 29 to financially support them being the big one), and she kept not only being ok with everything, but actually validating it and liking it.
Her photos on her profile weren't the best quality, only one full body photo and it was poor lighting. So when I first saw her, I noticed that she looked quite a bit bigger than her photos had lead me to think. But the fact that she mentioned she's plus sized in her profile (when she hardly looked it in her photos) had lead me to expect that, and I was still attracted to her, so I didn't have an issue with it.
Our date went pretty well, we got food, took a nice walk, and kissed a bit. We had been talking about a lot of deep topics, and I had brought up how weight has been a lifelong struggle for me, and I've been working on it hard lately because I'd been diagnosed with early stages diabetes and wanted to reverse that diagnosis. I even suggested in the future that it could be something we could work on together, as that's something that I'd really value in a relationship. At one point, we were talking worst first dates, and she told me the story of how a guy had took one look at her and walked away because she looked nothing like her pictures. She then asked me if she looked like her pictures. I'm someone who can not fucking lie, honestly is a really crucial core value for me, so I tried to answer honestly but kindly... I just said I find her really cute, but as a fellow overweight person, I too look for favorable angles and generally don't like taking photos of myself. I realize in hindsight that's probably something that I shouldn't have said, but I just didn't know how to approach that subject when I was faced with either lie and make her smile, or tell the truth and upset her.
She didn't say anything about that response in the moment, but after the date she texted me that she didn't want to see me again because she couldn't handle how much I talked about weight. I'm disappointed, because I did have a lot of stuff in common with this girl. Like a scary amount in common. It's also making me feel even more insecure about myself. I fight a constant struggle to find someone else who will accept where I'm at in my weight, and now I find someone who will accept it... but can't accept that I'm vocal about how I'm working to improve it??? It just makes me want to entirely stop dating until I reach closer to my target weight, because if fit girls aren't going to be attracted to me because I'm overweight, and overweight girls aren't going to be attracted to me because I want to improve my weight long-term... then who am I supposed to date????
So what do y'all think. Am I the A-hole? Is dating as an obese man who wants to change basically impossible? Am I reading too much into just one person's view on it? Any insights?
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