Hi, I'm "Mary" and I've been writing with this guy I met on a dating app for a while, lets call him John. Things were going fine until he ghosted me for over 20 days. He never told me why he disappeared, I never asked. He texted me 2 days ago so I made him wait too. We started talking again today. After some small talk, this lovely evening, he texted me 2 emojis (😅🤔). I didn't respond because I genuinely thought he would add something like a question or some information about himself. I put my phone away to make dinner so when I saw he'd sent "??" as well, I had to ask what's up, roughly this conversation ensues
He tells me I can't read cues, I tell him what am I supposed to read looking at two unrelated emojis. John says it means we should really be trying to get to know each other better. No more waiting. "We need to keep the ball rolling or else this won't work". (Me: internally, I'm pissed because he literally disconnected from me for over 3 weeks) I respond, I'm no good at flirting and I don't know cues because I genuinely have no experience with them. Then he asks if I know about sex-related cues then and I tell I know about them because I actively avoid them.
This was the beginning of the end, I suppose.
So at this point we're talking about intimacy and I explain that I have no interest in having sex right off the bat. I know you think I'm exaggerating, John certainly did, but I'm afraid of that chance I'd ruin my life with an unwanted pregnancy. With the sacrifices my family had to make for me to simply exist, I can't take that chance with someone I barely know. I also share with him that I experienced abuse before I was even 10yo to further explain my hesitance. I tell him, I'm still healing from the mental scars but I'm trying to build trust towards men. John tells me "I'm sorry about what happened to you but you can never have a fruitful relationship with this prude attitude" I try to explain further but he continues. "You can't expect a partner who wants a passionate relationship because he desires you to stay idle because you have an unreasonable fear of pregnancy. If everyone thought like this, everyone would have kids. Life can't just be about having a profitable career". I explain that this goes beyond a career and it's about my life and personal choices. I also say that humans don't die when they can't have sex and at the end of the day, it's my choice who I want to share my body with regardless of who desires it. While my negative experiences didn't kill any interest in being intimate with someone, it just made me develop fears of pain and being humiliated. John disagrees saying "anything can ruin your life, if your fear was really something to worry about, you would never leave your house either". This is when I told him we might as well stop this conversation because we'll never find common ground on this topic. My message was sent, I got 2 grey ticks (WhatsApp) so I think he didn't read my last message.
As the title should say I'm a 22yo virgin but believe me, I'm not opposed to sex, quite the contrary, I'm actually really curious about it. This conversation with John just made me question my personal ideals... I've had a similar "sex talk" with basically every other guy who wrote me on the dating site and they all bail. Some find it equally unreasonable, others just stop responding alltogether.
What do? Am I really never going to find someone because of my views on sex? Is it really impossible for me to find someone who's willing to wait with me?
Please help!
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