So, sorry if this is common knowledge but I don’t think it is...I just wanted to share my experience. I’m a 28M and I’ve had a few girlfriends, longest one was 2 years. Few years ago I was living in a sweet 1 bed condo in the big city, and when I first moved down there I was in “hookup mode” and I was doing pretty well if I may say...then I met my last gf and it just worked, and we dated for about a year and a half. Then COVID hit and I was forced to move home with my parents temporarily about an hour outside of the city. It caused a strain on my us and we broke up in the summer. Since then I’ve have had an awful time dating, few hookups but I think I’m too far for anyone as I live in a small town. So this week I was reflecting on my history with women and realized that the times I’ve gotten into a relationship were times when I wasn’t looking for one, but instead just looking to hookup. The times when I want a relationship (i.e now) I can’t seem to find one and can only hookup. My point is, I think that my demeanour when I’m looking to only hookup is more happy go-lucky and relaxed and I think that’s made me more desirable. Now when I say I want to hookup, I’m not saying I’m being a scumbag, it’s just that I’m not invested in anything so I’ll date and won’t be bothered if it’s unsuccessful.
I feel like when I’m in “want a relationship mode” I experience the brutal highs and lows of dating, and the reason for that is because I’m in the habit of idealizing my potential partners. So when it’s unsuccessful it’s truly painful, but when I’m in “hookup mode” I’m like “lol oh well. NEXT!”. I like myself better in hookup mode because it’s usually a time when I’m focusing on myself and bettering myself, and thus I think women pickup on it and do as well. I’m writing this more for myself but it feels good to verbalized as I’m in relationship mode now and I’m struggling to be honest. Another thing that I have caught myself doing, and a few of my friends are in this situation now, is settling and being in a relationship JUST for the sake of being in a relationship. These same friends truly suffer from a breakup and by the sounds of it they usually are more worried about being alone, which I have been guilty of too. The proof of concept is evident when these friends get into another “for the sake of” relationship months later. But I digress.
TL;DR being in a relationship is more likely to happen when you’re not trying so hard, because you’re more relaxed and allowed to be yourself more. Also, when you’re patient you’re more likely to find the proper fit in a partner and not just in a relationship for the sake of being in one! Relax, be patient, be yourself, and BE the person you’d want to date!
Thanks for reading and good luck!
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