I have recently been noticing a pattern where I’m attracting and end up dating unavailable men and even though there are men that are available interested in me. I cant figure out why this is but every time I think I picked the right one, they are not available.
Im F (28) had been friends with a M (29) and recently moved to the same city coincidentally at the same time. He got out of a year long relationship a little over a month ago. We started seeing each other as friends and then moved into intimacy within a week and seeing each other a few times a week for a couple weeks and spent vday together.
Last time we were together, I asked him what his biggest relationship mistakes were and he had mentioned that he isn’t sure if he ever wants to have a family and be in a committed relationship as he likes to do his own thing and prefers not to sleep next to someone because he stays up really late and play video games and go biking whenever he pleases and not be responsible for someone else’s emotions. He has been in several LTR in the past and even engaged one of them but it didn’t work out so I know he’s capable of connection which makes it even more hurtful he didn’t chose to explore a relationship with me.
I was going to wait to have the conversation about his intentions because it seemed like things were going well and it was very early on. We were texting every day and working on creative projects together but after he mentioned those things, I panicked that I was in the wrong place and wasting my time so I asked, “so then what are your intentions here?” He stated that doesn’t know but he’s not looking for anything serious which is a big red flag to me because when I hear those words I run. I told him I date with the intention of finding a long term relationship. Not necessarily right now but building toward that and I only see people that are open to that as a possibility if things go well and I asked him how he felt about it. He said he’s committed himself to being single after being in so many relationships.
I talked to my friends and they said it was too early for me to bring this conversation up but I felt it was necessary as I don’t wait around for non committal men when there are men that want relationships pursuing me and I feel I deserve more.
He said he really likes spending time with me and that he doesn’t want me out of his life and I told him I have clear boundaries for relationships as I don’t want to date someone else and complicate the situation by having a friends with benefits.
He asked if he should leave and I said yes and he said he was going to anyways which was also hurtful. Part of me wants him to come back and realize he’s made a mistake but I’m also wondering if I did something wrong?
I’ve done the whole “give it time it may turn into something “ thing in my early 20d and it never works out from what I’ve learned. I’m in my late 20s and want a family in my 30s and feel that I don’t have time to waste.
When is it too soon to bring up the topic of intentions? Should I have waited for him to warm up to the idea of a relationship? Where am I going wrong?
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