I'm 28F, recently dating again after a 5 year relationship. The pandemic has obviously made it more difficult to meet guys so I've mostly been using OLD, but all my previous relationships were with men I met IRL.
All of the men I've dated in the last couple of months have misrepresented their intentions and dropped me almost as soon as we've had sex (or they realized it wasn't going to happen on their timeline). It is very violating to realize after you've shared your body with someone that their intentions were to deceive you. If these men had been straightforward and said they were just looking for casual sex, I would have said NO. They know I would have said no. So they lied to me to make it a yes.
It's not even like I move incredibly quickly, either. It's insidious - these guys will date me for weeks and then drop off the face of the Earth after we have sex. It's such a goddamn waste of my time. I used to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that maybe they just weren't feeling a connection with me, but the timing of their ghosting and/or their dumb excuses are too obvious for me to continue trying to convince myself of that.
They all seem to operate the same way. They pursue me on OLD or IRL. Texting frequently. Setting up dates. We see each other a few times a week. They act like they're really interested and that they want a relationship. I warm up to them and start developing feelings We have sex. They ghost or dump me. They always come back a few weeks later.
I'm absolutely certain that I'm not bad at sex. I can provide references. I'm also a pretty good catch outside the bedroom.
I WANT to have sex. I love it, with someone who likes me and respects me and with someone I want to make happy. I can go all day. But I feel humiliated when I share what I think is a fun, intimate moment between people who like each other and want to please each other, and later realize that I was basically just a fleshlight. There is absolutely no benefit to casual sex for me. It's risky to be alone with a man I don't know or trust well. It's boring to have sex with someone I'm not interested in. The majority of these men are terrible/selfish in bed anyway and I can do it better myself at home. Sex is bond-building for me.
This last one was a doozy. This guy pursued me heavily and was laying it on pretty thick (to the point that I had to say I wanted to go a bit slower). He said he had little experience with women so I assumed he was just a bit socially awkward. He opened up about his health struggles, his anxiety, he was constantly telling me how much he liked me, he invited me to come look at new apartments for him, he talked about wanting to meet my family and vice versa. He told me he deleted his apps and was focused on me because he found such an "awesome girl". This was like 8 weeks of dating. We start having sex whenever I go to his place and his relentless pursuit starts waning, but he is still acting interested. So I invite him to a casual dinner with my brother and SIL and he seemed excited that we were taking another step. Except...he went to the dinner, we had sex at his place afterwards, he kicked me out after, then he ghosted me and when I texted him asking if we were done, he said "I'm sorry, I don't have strong enough feelings to keep doing boyfriend stuff with you". IT WAS HIM TALKING ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND STUFF!!!!
Anyway, I'm extremely hurt. This is far from an isolated incident. I haven't met one guy this year who didn't pull this shit. I'm getting pretty good at recognizing it and dipping out before we fuck, but the last guy was a completely different type than I usually go out with and I let my guard down.
Does anyone have any advice to just avoid these guys completely? I'm tired of going on fake dates and spending my time with guys who aren't being honest. I am always clear about what I'm looking for and what I'm not and it doesn't deter them. If anything, they end up seeing it as a challenge and go above and beyond trying to meet my standards...until they get what they want. The good guys and the shitty guys end up looking the same from the start because the shitty ones are lying about themselves. I don't want to go into every date assuming the worst of people but I don't know how to vet them!
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