I'm recently divorced after 9.5 years. My ex didn't put any effort into keeping the marriage, helping me fix the marriage, and ultimately sprung for a very quick divorce so I wouldn't be eligible for any of his retirement. In 2 months we were divorced.
I reconnected with a high school friend "M" a few months ago. I told him I'm still new to being single, finding out my new expectations and boundaries, I value communication, quality time, and do not have any patience for lying or ommiting information in conversation.
"M" is a single father of 2 who has a custody agreement but only recently has been allowed by his ex to get his kids every other weekend and school breaks. He says his ex uses them to manipulate getting more money from him. I ask why not ammend the custody agreement since he says he can afford a lawyer and show up with his agreement on hand and demand court appointed visitations when she begins to manipulate him? He says it's easier to give her what she wants.
When the kids are over they are his world. I don't hear from him at all. Once he invited me over while they were in town. We all hung out and had a great time. He said they were asking if I could come over all weekend long. He only invited me once. No problem. I understand a Dad has little quality time with his kids and needs to spend it with them. 2 months go by and in the span of October the kids were celebrating their birthdays and a Halloween party. I was invited to both. Got gifts and for each event and the days of the parties I asked M where and when. Ghosted. However, in the Halloween party he sent me a picture of them at the party like nothing was wrong. When his kids were dropped off at their mom's I asked him about those separate events that month. He said he completely forgot and felt like an ass. Even on Halloween his kids asked him why I wasn't there. Once I told him I was hurt he invited me then "forgot" and would rather simply to not be invited in the first place he told me he's just very weary of who he brings around his kids. (After I'd met them a few times already).
After November timeframe we hadn't been going out to eat, hiking, or spending much time together and communication dropped significantly. I had noticed he became reactive instead of involved. I would text or call him, ask about his day, or good morning/ night. He'd respond but he stopped initiating. I told him my concerns and said if he's not interested in continuing "us" to let me know so I can protect myself from being hurt and wasting my time. He said he still is interested and bought a house recently with the intention of a more long-term relationship in the years to come together. (We've known one another for 17 years). Now, his house that he bought... it's fully furnished and tbh looks like it's a BNB. It even has the previous owner's last name in iron as a decor in the house. It's been 3 months and he still hasn't rearranged or redecorated anything. It confuses me.
We haven't seen one another since January 25. We have talked/texted a bit. He continues to say he's busy with work and dealing with family drama, but I feel like I'm wasting my time putting my energy into something he reacts to instead of is actively involved in. I don't think a text "good night" "how was your day" too much to ask like he use to do. When we are together it is nice and he is very attentive emotionally and physically with great conversation.
Idk if I'm not being clear enough for him. I know my ex didn't understand how serious I was when I voiced my concerns with our lavk of communication and intimacy. Even after the divorce he told me "I didn't think you were serious. I didn't know we had so many problems that were that serious to you until you left." I don't want to be a doormat again. Am I falling into that same pattern?
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