I recently started going to therapy through my university health services and was told I'm anxiously attached in my relationships with male partners (I’m a 21F). I was bullied around age 12-13 and have struggled with feeling good enough ever since. Now 10ish years later I’m much more confident and sure of myself, but the negative effects of that period of my life creep into how I act in relationships and the men I choose to date. College was the first time in my life that I really started to date. From freshman year to junior year I had several situationships, talking stages, and hookups that became consistent but unhealthy. I struggled however to find a guy who wanted to be with me long-term.
After lots of heartbreak and getting caught up with guys who truly didn’t care about me, I started to feel content for the first time in years around January. I was happy to hang out with my friends and wasn’t chasing guys on dating apps or at the bars. Early March changed everything though when I re-downloaded Tinder and matched with a guy named Bobby. We went on a date and hit it off really well so we ended up seeing each other 5 times in 7 days. The next week we were pretty inseparable as well. This continued for 4 weeks. It seemed like we would officially be dating soon, and for the first time in my life, I’d have a boyfriend. At the end of the 4 weeks though, Bobby revealed that he’d been dating another girl from Tinder at the same time. He’d see her in the morning and then me at night or the other way around. I was hurt and devastated because it seemed like nothing we had was real. There's many more details to it, but ultimately my friends and I agree that I was love bombed by him, something that I’ve learned people with my attachment style are highly susceptible to.
Now it’s May, and I've been out of control trying to heal from the hurt of being blindsided by Bobby. In the past month I’ve had casual sex with 8+ partners. Some of the hookups were good while others made me cry afterwards and I didn’t enjoy them. Regardless of how much I enjoyed seeing any of these people, I have this insatiable need to keep getting sex or affection from someone. I continue to hookup with these people or meet new partners to be intimate with. I definitely do this so that I feel wanted/desired because that’s something I’ve struggled with for years and given how Bobby hurt me that makes sense, but I just can’t seem to stop. I’m restless every day and all I think about is how to meet the next guy or get the one I’m currently having casual sex with to stick around. Every week for the past month I’ve been obsessed with a new guy and I’ve reconnected with several men from my past who once hurt me.
3 guys who I once had situationships with during my time in college have reached out in the months of April (nothing I did prompted this, so this is actually a crazy coincidence). First it was Michael, who I had a short fling with last fall. Then the next week it was Eli, who was the person that took my virginity two summers ago. Now this week it’s Hugo, who was a mutual friend that I slept with last Halloween. Each guy has come into my life in the past couple weeks, and regardless of how much they hurt me in the past or were not compatible with me, I’ve agreed to seeing them and had sex again with each of them. None of them want a relationship with me, but I can’t stop craving being wanted by them and reaching out to them to continue having sex. If I can’t find people who want me for me, I settle with being wanted for sex.
Please help, I feel so restless and I can’t focus on daily life anymore because I’m so distressed by needing affection. I’m also so angry with myself for allowing Bobby into my life and falling for love-bombing because I was finally doing well and content with being alone before I met him.
Other than keeping busy to distract myself, I’m really not sure what else to do.
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