Going to try and keep this short but the last 6 months have been a Rollercoaster and I just need to spill to see how big a mistake I'm making.
We were highschool best friends and moved in together after graduation. After 3.5 years of that we started dating and things went well until the pandemic and lockdown. I struggled personally with work and depression, she was finishing college and dealing with health issues and we fell apart. Not a grwat breakup, zero contact for 3+ years, both moved on and stayed respectful. We eventually started texted again and sending memes back and forth but it never felt more than that, just friendly talking. Then January of this year after several years of texting again it did feel different. She messaged me, we started having actual conversation again, caught each other up on what was going on, reminisced, it was all very nice but I was still very much thinking it was only platonic. Then she told me umprompted that she had just gone through a break up. And unprompted said we need to finally make plans to actually see each other in person again. So I did, went and visited for a weekend. I have been saving and planning to move this year and I went with the anxiety of not really knowing what I wanted or needed, and afraid to ask if it would be okay for me to potentially move there as it would be one of the few places I'd actually have at least a friend and support network. But then we met and all my anxiety disappeared. It had been 6 years since we had seen each other and it could have been 6 weeks for how immediately we fell back into conversation and hanging out. The 48 hours I was there we spent 36 of them together just talking and catching up. I never even needed to ask if it would be alright for me to move there because 3 hours in she not only suggested it herself but even offered her soon to be available spare room and that we could be roommates again (I refused because as much as I want to that seemed like a bad idea that could blow up in both our faces). So I began the house hunt, while working full time and packing and now a week and a half away from the move I'm worried. She has never said there is any romantic potential, nor have I expressly brought it up, but neither of us have outright denied it either. It exists purely as a hope in me that doesn't need to be fulfilled and I try to keep it tempered, but the last few weeks have had a lot of mixed messages that are taking a toll. She first tells me she actually wont be in town when I move because shes taking a trip but she will make it up when she is back, then casually mentioning in the same conversation breaking up with her situationship which I initially took as a good sign because a) she was comfortable enough to tell me and b) breaking up right before I move there, that's good right? Then a few days later she tells me a guy offered to buy her a plane trip to his state for a first date and she said yes. I have no issue with that, I would take a free trip too if it was offered to me, but the disappointment was palpable. In the same conversation she made comments like 'I'll feed you when you are poor' and 'you are my favorite person to travel with, you match my freak' and at this point I just dont know. I hope and want a rekindling of a relationship. But all this time has also made me realize I care about the friendship and this person enough that I don't need that. But I think I am at a point of needing confirmation that it isn't possible to be able to move on healthily. At this point I am probably just gonna see how things go naturally and if it becomes too unbearable I will be upfront and tell her I still have feelings that don't need to be requited but I do need to address. Maybe I am spending all my money and throwing away my stable work for nothing, and I've known from the moment all this started up again I was probably making a mistake but its the first mistake I've been excited about making in a long time and that had to be worth something, right?
TLDR been reconnecting with my ex after 6 years of separation, and am moving to her new town with her permission and encouragement, but mixed messages and out of state dates have me questioning what we both expect.
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