I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing.
I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years. Lately, things have been harder: she does not want to take care of her mental health, she is unhappy a lot, and she is not interested in sex despite saying that she was “trying” and in therapy to talk about it. I have been unhappy, but we have a house together, and there are good moments. It’s not all awful. We recently went on a trip together, and she broke down sobbing in public — I asked her again, gently, whether meds or a therapist or anything could help, but I was also frustrated. She does this all the time, and we end up having to stop everything and go home. I was mad. Maybe I did not comfort her like I should, I don’t know, but this situation kind of hard reset something in me.
Into this storm, my former FWB of about 15 years suddenly messaged me again. He is also in a committed relationship of two years, and we had not spoken in three years. I don’t know who stopped responding first. I think it kinda just faded as we both got more into our relationships, but now he is messaging every other day at least. We talk about nothing, but it’s the same kind of flirting we used to do. I love him. I’ve loved him probably since I was 20. I have been kissing this man for 20 years, and I don’t think either of us was very faithful in that time to our other partners.
For the last three years before we stopped talking, we were sleeping together exclusively. He told me that he loved me when we were 18, and then he said it didn’t mean anything, and then we just kept going because it feels good. He saved the last message I sent him before we stopped talking. But it’s just like all a game to him — i know I’m being stupid. I know I’m doing the wrong thing. But I’m so f*cking frustrated with myself because I genuinely missed him. It’s like no time has passed. I still love him. I still meant what I said when I was 25 and drunk and told him that I was playing the long game for him.
How do I stop feeling these things? How do I let this go? How do I just like. Make peace without having any closure of this? Did it really mean nothing? How do I get okay with maybe never having any answers?
It’s probably stupid to say but it’s like. I know my life is better when I’m not worrying about him or trying to figure out WTF he wants. But I also feel like he is in me — we snap chatted every single day from seventh grade to me turning thirty. I’m tired, and I’m feeling one million things, and I worry about how I’m going to react if he gets engaged.
I don’t know if there’s any point to this, but I just needed to tell someone. It feels unfair that this hasn’t worked out — that we have been together through so much, and it apparently just means nothing. Idk. Maybe I just need someone to tell me to block him? Idk. Thanks for listening.
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