I am a 31-year-old woman who has had an extremely traumatic and painful life. I've become a dysfunctional adult with a severe lack of confidence, chronic depression, insomnia etc. In terms of relationships, I've made poor choices and have either found myself in long situationships or in relationships with emotionally unavailable men (who ended up leaving me because they were not in love) or with very abusive and violent men. I also want to clarify that at the beginning of my romantic life, I got into relationships with men who had nothing in common with me, who didn’t even attract me, and whom I wasn’t really in love with, simply because I was desperately in need of being loved and reassured (most men at the time just wanted to sleep with me but never be in a relationship). The men I truly loved did not love me back, and I think that's what hurt me the most.
My last ex, who is a very good man and the first with whom I had a healthy relationship, left me a few months ago because my depression and fatigue meant I never saw him and I didn’t have the energy to give him a real place in my life. Intimacy faded and the distance I had established between us eventually took over.
I'm feeling better now and started using dating apps a few weeks ago, and met a man I really like. We've seen each other 3 times in 2 weeks. We slept together on the first night and have great chemistry. The problem is that I'm already getting attached and am starting to feel anxious about the possibility that my feelings are not reciprocated, as with my previous experiences. We are exclusive but he wants to take his time and see how things evolve before deciding to be in a relationship. He's very mature and I also think it's objectively healthy to take your time and not rush into a relationship, especially after only 3 dates and my history. However, there is a mismatch between us because I am enthusiastic and already know that I would like to be in a relationship with him. I am very vocal and honest about with my feelings so he knows that I'm really into him. I am very afraid of being rejected and don’t want to waste time and energy and be broken in the end. I've already experienced this too many times. I know that this is part of the reality of romantic encounters, especially on apps, and that I must accept the possibility that he may not want to commit to me. But in practice, I can't stop the anxiety that's building up because of the expectations I'm starting to have. Outside of the times we've met, the only exchanges we've had were messages, mainly to plan the next date. This week he will be very busy and I dread not receiving any messages from him, even though I know he has invited me to a concert and I am supposed to give him an answer. I'm thinking of saying no because I’d like to take a step back (and I’d also like to rest in the coming days).
Sorry for this long, confused post, but deep down I would like some advice for the future. We often hear that a man knows very quickly if he envisions a relationship with a woman or not, and that he needs "the chase" etc. otherwise he will loose interest. Based on this and various things seen here and there, do you think a man who wants to take his time is a man who will never be in love? Especially when the chase part is gone because the woman has explicitly disclosed her interest ?
Thanks in advance for your advice and/or testimonies.
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