Hello.
For initial context, I didn’t have much problems in finding somebody to date before, however, an ex happened, which left me really distrustful of the idea of dating. I’ve been lying low for months because I had a very toxic 2-year long distance relationship with a guy four years younger than me which finally ended July 2018. He cheated on me and left me sour with the idea of “trusting” somebody else afterwards. I then went out with another guy not long after my 2-year ex and I broke up (we were both impulsive about it, we were both cheated on just recently so that kinda drew us together which I know was a bad idea but it already happened). It only lasted two months because he was being neglectful, and he didn’t put much effort into visiting me (since we lived 3 hours apart), I was the one who always traveled and paid money for food, he never calls me much and would often leave our thread on-read, and he seemed so irresponsible so I broke up with him, and I just didn’t establish enough trust with him in the first plave because of how effortless he was in the relationship.
I’ve only been in America for two years, I came from a Southeast Asian country so I don’t have friends here yet. I had a massive culture shock (which sometimes still happen) but I’m trying my best to connect myself out there. It’s just, ever since I moved here, I don’t feel as confident as I did back home. I feel conscious with everything I do, I feel alienated here and I just couldn’t feel like I belong here, which hinders me from forming any kinds of relationship.
It’s lonely.
So, I wanna try to date again. I’ve already forgiven my exes, and I’m trying to feel more confident with myself, so I’m starting to think maybe it’s time to be with somebody again. I fail every time, though. I’m Asian and I look like 14 even when I’m 19. Most of my online friends tease me about it, and at first it was funny but now I just feel bad about it. When I moved here in America, women look generally more mature and prettier, and I feel like the reason why nobody in my age range bats an eye on me is because they think I’m younger and is just a kid, even though I’m literally turning 20 next month. There’s also the fact that I wanna date, but I wanna date someone who’s relatively closer to me, I don’t want long distance ones or ones where I have to ride the train for 3 hours just to see them. I want an accessible partner in terms of distance, because I’m also in college, so I’d rather have someone be close to me. So I decided to download Tinder, as a friend back in my country suggested.
Now, I have this fantasy about dating a guy whose physique is aesthetically pleasing. Buff muscles and all that. I’m an aspiring artist who happens to draw male subjects a lot, so I feel like that’s how I began to harbor these outward preferences lately (since my exes were average, and don’t bully me pls lmao I also am average, if not, below average even, so I just developed this preference rather recently). Men look so beautiful to me in general, especially those who have all that strong physique. I want to be dominated, be cared for, I don’t even know why I began to want these things. I wanna stress though that I don’t ever want to just date anyone based on the looks, who knows how many macho papis are out there with very very stinky personalities. Personality still matters to me, but I want to at least date a guy like that someday. Call me corny, but doesn’t everyone have their own ideal type at some point in their lives? I’m at that point. Problem is, when I match with those types of men on Tinder, they intimidate me. I just couldn’t believe someone like them would be interested with me, and perhaps my photos are decent that’s why they matched, but I think I’m inferior irl in terms of looks. I mean, sure, I could say I’m decently cute, but pretty? Nah. Not a chance. Camera angles can sometimes be deceiving, even though my friends back in my country tell me nothing really changed from when they last saw me irl to the photos I post at present time. Like, idk, I feel like I’m too ugly to date anyone at this point, but I really wanna date so badly. I wanna fall in-love again and care for someone and just feel again, but I just simply don’t have that confidence. I just, you know, end up admiring men from afar, and I don’t expect a guy in that caliber to ever want someone like me, and that itself is fine but lonely as well, so when they show interest towards me, I just refuse to believe it and my mind shuts down, I just don’t know how to approach them back so most of the time, I just unmatch lol. Like, I don’t know, I just hope I won’t get roasted for this. I just feel insecure and vulnerable, and I need advice as to how to handle this, because I really want to give dating a chance again. I just wanna be able to sleep at night without crying about how lonely I am, tbh.
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