Inspiring Through Improv: A Simple Dating Strategy Without Objectification (x-post /r/menslib)

Hi /r/dating_advice! This essay was originally submitted to /r/MensLib, where I was given the heads-up I should cross-post it here with a bit of editing. Keep in mind that this essay was originally written in response to a need for strategizing dating without objectification, like you see in many Pick-up Artist communities. I am not a fan of these frameworks, so I figured I would do a write-up on my own philosophy when it comes to dating. Keep in mind this essay was mostly written for a relatively young, male audience, but much of the advice herein is universal (in my opinion).

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Without further ado, I'd like to dive into some of the rules I learned from theatrical improvisation, and how they can be used as a framework for flirtation and general interaction.

First, some housekeeping:

• I am no PhD in anthropology or sociology or gender studies etc. etc. Though I am familiar with a decent amount of literature, I am certainly no expert when it comes to human social interaction. Hopefully you'll take my word for a few things
• I am no casanova or womanizer. In fact, as I am writing this essay, I am currently single. I followed these rules for my last relationship, and it was one of the most fulfilling and enjoyable experiences I've had. So I hope, again, you'll take my word for a few things.
• This is not a comprehensive guide like you might find in Pick-up Artist handbooks, with highly specific strategies for every given situation. Rather, this essay is purposefully vague in order to be generalizable, as every person and every interaction is unique in its own way.
• Following these rules won't get you sex. If you are truly hell-bent on getting sex and just sex, then this is not the essay for you. However, if you're looking for a partner, somebody with whom you can share companionship, support, and eventual love, maybe consider these words.
• This essay is not a substitute for the classic banal advice of getting in shape, dressing well, having a passion, etc. Working on these things is equally as important as what I'm going to talk about, which, as you will see, should come naturally over time anyways.

Improv and Interaction

This essay was inspired by this Tedx YYC talk by professional improviser Rebecca Northan. Rebecca learned improv at The Loose Moose Theatre in Calgary¹, and has been working professionally as an improviser for decades. I would highly recommend watching this talk - I teared up a bit the first time I watched it - but I realize you aren't all going to, so here's a quick summary:

Rebecca has being doing a show for a while called Blind Date², wherein she calls a random member of the audience down, and they have an improvised "blind date" on stage for around an hour and a half. Intimidating, no? But Rebecca always sticks to the basic rules of improv she learned so many years ago, like being positive and inspiring your partner, and that allows her to confidently stride to the end of the scene. She had the epiphany recently that all these maxims she learned for improvisation are the same things that come naturally to a person when they have fallen in love. In other words, improv provides a great framework for interacting with a desired partner.

Now, you might be saying, "Corbutte, that's easy for you and Rebecca to say, but I'm not an improviser! I was never trained, and I'm not a funny guy, and I get stage fright..." etc. I will assert to you right now that you are an improviser, although maybe not a good one, and you've been doing it your whole life. This boils down to the essentials of how humans interact.

All social interaction is performative. You may be familiar with ye olde Shakespeare quote:

All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many parts,

If you were like me, you'd already heard this quote a bajillion times by the time you were fifteen. If you were also like me, you probably rolled your eyes and said "Yes, yes, very deep" and continued on with your day.

But when I started doing improv, it dawned on me that there is a lot more to this idea than you'd think. The essence of most of the social interaction we have on a daily basis is highly ritualized. Think about casual small talk with your peers or coworkers. They probably all follow the same pattern:

"Hi/Hey/Sup?"

"How's it going/What's up?/How are you?"

"I'm good, you?/ It's going all right, yourself?/Not much, you?"

"It's all good/Fine/It's going/Another day another dollar"

"How's the semester going/How's the wife?/Sunny day out today..."

And so on and so forth, and I'm going to stop there before I tear my eyeballs out. But, essentially, most conversations work on this semi-scripted system of casual greetings and banal topics. Although excruciating in many circumstances, this is a convenient and easy way for humans to gauge and demonstrate respect before getting into anything deeper.

Now think about a good, engaging conversation you've had recently. Chances are it was with somebody on the same "wavelength" as you, it was probably about some topic you both find interesting, and you probably came out at the end feeling like you either learned or accomplished something. You probably spoke immediately when the other person finished their sentences - you wanted to say something immediately because you felt inspired. This is because the conversation became improvisational. You had spoken long and deeply enough to demonstrate a sense of support and trust with your conversational partner, and thus both of you entered a flowing and productive conversation.

Flirting an dating are no exception to this rule, which is why mastering the rules of improv - I think - helps quite a bit. And I think our society does us a disservice by teaching men a completely arbitrary set of tropes irrelevant to these rules³. The same, perhaps, can be said for women as well^3.1.

The Rules

So what are these fabled rules? Well, I have four. You may notice that's an extra one to what Rebecca listed in her Tedx Talk. This is because I have an additional rule for you that, in particular, seems to affect men, but is also a universally good thing to do:

1) Listen

Just listen. This is actually so hard to do. Especially when you're nervous: you're constantly in your head, thinking about what you need to say next, and before you know it you completely missed what your scene partner is saying. This is a classic trap for improvisers of all levels of experience, and is generally indicative of a scene going terribly.

One classic, and cliched, exercise for teaching proper listening is One-Word-At-A-Time. Check out this video. And now check out this one. Did you notice the difference between the two? In the first one, the two improvisers take pauses between each word, and are constantly in their heads, trying to think of what to say next. In the second one, the improvisers are speaking right on each other's heels and are directly engaged with the story. They don't stop to think about what's coming next.

The difference between the two? In the first, they're both staring at the camera. In the second, they're both staring at each other.

It's not like looking another person in the eyes will magically tell you what they're going to say next. The magic lies in knowing that your partner is there and engaging directly with them. When you speak and you know the other person's eyes are hanging on to exactly what you're saying, conversation can flow without any hesitation. Just by actively listening, you've inspired a great amount of trust in your partner. Which brings me to the next rule:

2) Don't fear failure

This is classic generic advice handed out by everyone from Roosh V to Barrack Obama. How can you improve without failing? Two steps forward, one step back, amirite?

I want to frame how we're thinking of failure a bit differently here. Chances are, you're thinking of failure at flirting or dating as a rejection. And this can be true.

But in every improv scene, successful or no, there are always a dozen failures. These are what we call failed offers. These could be endowments, like giving your scene partner a name or attribute, or just generally providing some prop or movement or game or idea to the scene. And, quite often, these offers fall flat, either because your partner wasn't properly listening, or was uninspired, or your delivery was just all wrong.

And that's fine, as long as you fail gracefully. Acknowledge that your offer was rejected and move on. By doing so, you're demonstrating that it's alright to fail in the space you've created, and that doesn't necessarily mean the scene needs to end.

Now think about flirting. Chances are, if you're talking to your crush, you'll end up stumbling over words, making all kind of social faux-pas, and you'll become so painfully self-aware you just want to hide in a hole and die.

If you know how to fail gracefully, you don't need to worry about messing up. Because you know that even though one of your offers may have fallen flat, the scene isn't over. You're still there, and your partner is still engaged, you just need to find the next offer to move on to. Maybe you brought up the wrong topic of conversation, something your partner doesn't find interesting. Just laugh, say "Eh, maybe we shouldn't talk about how the Ben Folds' solo music doesn't feel as rich without the rest of the Five", and move on. Or, stop, listen, and let your partner choose the next topic.

The importance of this strategy doesn't necessarily lie within the tactics of keeping the scene/flirtation smooth. Oftentimes it will just not work. Rather, each time you try, fail, and gracefully get back up, you're instilling yourself with more confidence in your ability to rebound to the next thing. So each time you approach an offer, you'll be less scared to give it a try.

3) Be Positive

Being positive doesn't mean being a sycophant. For the love of god, do not agree with everything that comes out of your partner's mouth. Being positive isn't about being cheery or affirmative. It's about accepting an offer and building upon it.

This is a concept commonly known as "Yes, and". When your scene partner says, "Let's go get some cheese from the moon!" You say, "Yes, let's take my rocket ship" or "Yes, we'll need to break into Cape Canaveral and commandeer their shuttle" or "No, Barbara, take your goddamn medication! Every day you come up to me and tell me there's cheese on the moon. It's not true! Damnit, what happened to the woman I loved? I can't believe what they did to you with that... experiment".

In every case, you are replying to your scene partner by accepting their offer, and then building upon it (hopefully with something you know will inspire them). This doesn't mean agreeing to everything that is said, it just means engaging with every idea offered. Sometimes, the offer will fail, as stated previously, in which case you fail gracefully and move on.

Chances are, however, that if you're talking to somebody you find attractive, you'll probably be inspired by most of the things they say. When that happens, don't just nod your head and go "Uh-huh". Build upon it. When she says, "Douglas Adams was a great novelist", don't just say, "Yeah, he was," say, "Yeah, I loved Restaurant at the End of the Galaxy, especially the part where Arthur learns to fly when he sees his handbag⁴. I wish I could fly like that."

Now, all this being said, there is a significant probability that no offer will be inspiring enough.

4) Inspire Your Partner

This is the true make-or-break of a successful scene, date, drunken conversation, what-have-you. In improv, it's easy to become another character for a scene, and say whatever you need to inspire your partner and progress the story. But in life, it's not that simple. Maybe you can play a character for a one-night-stand⁵, but it is exhausting and unrealistic to play a character beyond a few hours.

This is why flirting and dating happen. You need to sit, and talk, and exchange ideas and information about who you are. In such a way, you'll end up knowing whether or not you inspire one another. Without that inspiration, there is no way to have a truly fun scene together. And without that fun well, what's the point?

This is why so much of the advice we hear throughout puberty (and staunchly ignore) is "Be yourself". It's not because yourself is a particularly charismatic or attractive person^5.1, it's because yourself is the only version you can play that will leave you feeling fulfilled. And until you meet someone else that can inspire yourself, and that yourself can inspire, you'll never be able to feel the true companionship of love^5.2.

Inspiration can take many forms. Your partner could feel inspired by what you know, or how you act, or your appearance, or social status, or even an event for which you were both present. As time goes on, you'll hopefully keep inspiring one another to talk more, to do things together, to live together. This is what people mean when they say, "I can do anything with her and it's fun." They don't need to get inspiration from the doing, they get inspiration from each other.

All of these other rules are essentially just guidelines towards this one rule. They are just ways to make you unafraid of approaching another person as yourself, and engaging them fully and happily.

And the unfortunate reality is, most of the time yourself won't inspire the other person's self. That's the reality of dating: it is a crapshoot, a numbers game of seemingly infinite rerolls. But if you listen, and act positively, and fail gracefully, you'll hopefully, eventually, find the person that inspires you.

Obliviate Objectification

These rules will not get you dates. They won't automatically make you friends and influence people. Their purpose is to make the process more fun and more engaging for yourself and your partner. They exist to give you confidence in the way you engage a potential partner, and what to look for and master when you finally do meet that special person. They exist, in some ways, as an ideal, something to look forward to while you patiently sort through the rough.

Most importantly to this essay, they provide a strategy for approaching flirting and dating without objectification. It is of the utmost importance that you treat your partner as exactly that - a partner. Dating is a co-op game, not PVP^5.3, and you'll find that if you work to make your partner inspired and happy, they will do the same for you. You aren't a protagonist and a boss, with your objective obstructed until you master your opponent's patterns - you're just two people trying to figure out your game together.

I would also like to once again reiterate the importance of the basics. Eat healthy, work out⁶, dress well, be kind and courteous, get a hobby. But also: be confident in yourself, and love yourself, and inspire everyone around you. Don't be afraid to fail, be afraid you never get the chance to do so. Learn and grow as a person, but never lose sight of what makes you unique.

Ok, those are all very nice potential tattoos. But how do I get laid, Corbutte?

Well, my friend, you don't just acquire sex. You need to be given sex. Remember that you also give sex, so it's generally a mutualistic offer. Try asking nicely. You will be surprised at what another person will do for you after a pleasant conversation.

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¹As did yours truly, so don't think I'm putting any words in Rebecca's mouth when we actually received the same training around the improvisational theory of Kieth Johnstone

²An excellent show, as I have heard through the grapevine

³In short, society teaches men a disconnection from emotional engagement and a need to constantly assert status to and above a partner. While these attributes might help in terms of pure sexual strategy, they do not generally lead to a particularly interesting partnership. As well, since trying to constantly be "cool" and high status is exhausting for men, most men are just incapable of being successful with this strategy. Unlearning it marks an important rite of passage for many into adulthood from their embarrassing teenage years. Many, however, never grow beyond it, and end up looking to Pick-up Gurus who offer their own formulas for achieving this. Perhaps the most egregious example of this frame of thought is negging, which I think exemplifies why trying to be a James Dean-type is ultimately so fruitless, cringey, and toxic.

^3.1Again, this essay was originally written for the Men's Lib subreddit, where we often get into the more cerebral aspects of society and culture and that kind of thing and how they relate to masculinity. I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to say that society has been equally as unfair to women in how it "teaches" dating, but I also don't profess to know enough about that to give keen insight.

⁴ I actually think this might be in the next book in the series. But that's ok, I'm just failing gracefully and moving on. If she points that out, I'll laugh and admit it's been a while since I read the books.

⁵ Unless you're Barney Stinson, you're probably not good enough to do this. Also, it's pretty scummy (see footnote #3).

^5.1 Although, if you play things right, you will be the charismatic and attractive person to that one partner.

^5.2 Ok, this is actually pretty blazee of me to say absolutely. It might be possible to find "the true companionship of love", whatever that actually means, without any of this. But I'm willing to bet that the probability of that happening is relatively low.

^5.3 This is a reference to a previous comment of mine, which used a video game metaphor to explain the issue with pick-up artistry and objectification.

⁶ Lord knows I need to do this more

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Previous essays:

Le Guin's Left Hand

Privilege of the Petersonian

Let's Talk About The Wall

A Wizard of Earthsea vs. Harry Potter

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