So things were quite okay for me this lockdown. In june I started seeing this girl, went on a few dates and had a lot of fun. Government tightened the rules, so I invited her over to my place, to cook together, not to sleep together. That's when she started ignoring me. Few days later she comes clean; while she totally understands going to one of our places, she realised that It all went quite quickly. She suffers form a fear of commitmend. In Dutch we use the word 'bindingsangst'. What it comes down to: she enjoys my company more than anticipated, and has a fear of the feeling she had. She thought that those would go away quite quickly, and she didn't want to cause that pain to me. She even explained how she couldn't believe how I could be so perfect (her words). 5 Weeks ago, she ended it. I was devastated, I really really liked her, but this is completely out of my control.
Fast forward a week and somehow end up talking with my year long crush. Crush as in never ever thought I stood a chance so never tried. Had a boyfriend back then and all. After a fun convo for 3 days, I told het something, she didn't understand, so said: "Wait can we try again? Let's start over. How are you doing". I went along with it, and asked, well quite good, we haven't spoken in a while, would love to take you out for a coffee and catch up. She thought it was really smooth so agreed.
We're both really busy, but finally picked coming friday as the date. Talked so much over the phone, text, videocalls. Really hit it off. I was over the moon, and really excited. She helped me get past my previous "relationship" and this was already going far better than I could have imagined.
Now here comes the sad part. She didn't text me for the last few dates, but did a couple of hours ago. Of all the freaking people, her ex texted her this week asking if they could try again. They went for a walk and all to talk it through. So she messaged me saying this wanting to come clean. There is nothing I can do. I really want to fucking sink through the ground. For all this time wishing over something that would never seem possible too me, only to getting it on far past my expectations, would be destroyed in a matter of a few hours.
I hate the whole world right now because it seems there is nothing I can do. I did everything so right and everything went so wrong. It's not that I won't take responsibility for my answers, it's just these external factors that make me feel like a little worthless boy all over again. I tried so hard, got so close, and now I'm back at ground zero with no perspective.
Thanks for reading. I needed to vent so bad. I just wish there was something I could do.
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