I'm 30 and I have been out of the dating world for around 3 years. In truth, before COVID I danced as a hobby and it was a world full of beautiful women with the same interests as me and I had a lot of attention because I am a good dancer, so my passive perceived value was very high. With COVID, I find myself single and lonely and I want to meet someone to have something ongoing, ideally a relationship but I'd be fine with just a cuddle buddy.
To summarize my experiences in the last couple of months while navigating the online dating world:
I get on really well with my initial conversations, women always seem super excited, most of them meet me within a week, sometimes we get along and do some kissing, sometimes there's sex, but it always dies out after that, or sometimes it dies out quickly after a few chats. And I'm just wondering if I'm being overly eager and they are picking that up as desperation. With anxiety, it's really hard to control certain things, for example if everything is going well and I send her a request to meet up and she takes long to respond I start to freak out and I think sometimes you can see that in my messages. I also like to show interest in them and ask them about their day or follow up on things they told me they were going to be doing on a said day, for me this is showing that I care, but it could also be perceived as over eagerness. I notice that very quickly the conversations turn into short responses from their side, it drives me nuts and I do wonder what's going on? What did I do?
Some examples:
A- I met this girl for coffee, hit it on well, laughed together a lot. Second date at her house, really hot and wild kissing session where we almost had sex but stopped because of her period. Third time I saw her I just met her spontaneously for a walk because she was in the area, we walked and chatted, she was too shy to kiss in public so I would steal random kisses from her in hidden parts of town. We then scheduled a 4th time at her place, I asked her the day before what time she wanted to meet, she just told me what time she had other things to do so I told her I could come in between those other things. She didn't reply, the next day she ghosted me but was posting stories on Instagram doing stuff... so I didn't go anywhere. The day after that I told her I was a bit disappointed and that she could have just told me she wanted a day for herself and I would have understood. She apologized and said she just felt like there was too much pressure, but I'm not sure how I'm giving her too much pressure or how to shift that to a mentality of being just someone fun to be with. She still sends me messages here and there but she doesn't invite me and whenever I ask her if she will be free she always has something and never attempts to reschedule.
B- Met a girl online, we have loads in common including dancing, video games, singing, playing guitar and piano. She was super excited to know me, we had a long voice call that went really well. She told me she would be coming into town for a doctor's appointment and to see her mom so I asked what time she would be going back and told her I was free after 5pm. She said she didn't think she'd be able to hangout with anyone this time. Conversation looks normal but not enthusiastic on her side anymore. She's also online without responding a lot but that probably doesn't mean anything (it does mean something to my anxiety though). I just can't help but feel she lost interest.
C- Met a girl online, had some interesting conversations but most importantly found out I know her sister so we both got kind of excited about it and her sister even gave her approval for me. She invited me to go to her sister's brunch with her and some friends. I was up for that. She then changed her mind and said coffee would be better first. I was ok with that too. Then the weekend came and I tried to book that coffee and she said she was going to spend time with family and friends because she hasn't seen them in a long time... ok I get that. But then the conversation dried out and at some point she said I was very gung-ho (overly excited) so I think again I was too eager and it showed somehow. She has been ghosting me since.
D- Tinder girl started flirting quite quickly, she said she loved dancing but she was more like a bedroom or bathroom dancer. I joked "bedroom dancer? you mean horizontally?" and she laughed a lot at it and said that wasn't what she meant but she's good at that too. She then asked if I sang and play the guitar/piano and told me that if I serenade her it's game over, might as well just open her legs to me then and there. I followed up with "I could bring my guitar, what do you usually have for breakfast?" and she played along. I had to know if it was just joking around so I asked if she would actually be up for a weekend together with a stranger. I must note that I also added that there's no pressure regarding what happens during that weekend, that it would just be nice to have a weekend that feels different, so maybe that was TMI, over-sharing. She still said she would. I then asked if she was free next weekend and followed up with another over-sharing moment of "I know it's really spontaneous but I'm tired of all this isolation and would be nice to have a weekend that actually feels different than usual" so maybe I'm sounding desperate at that point. She didn't reply so I texted "If that scares you we can also just go for a walk/coffee first" and she said she's free for next weekend for the first option. What I noted in this conversation is a sudden shift from being playful and using lots of smileys and being enthusiastic and candid with me, to sending me short responses void of any emotion. What is wrong here? Why that sudden change?
I think the overall theme here is that my anxiety is playing a huge role in the way I message people, it makes me sound unsure, asking for reassurance a lot, sending follow up messages instead of waiting for a response, etc. Do you have any advice for that? How to cope with anxiety in these cases?
I also feel like I have an identity crisis when it comes to dating, I alternate between a nice guy and a flirty one. Or I start flirty and end up nice.
And yes, I know I'm overthinking a lot, I have anxiety, overthinking is my every day life.
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