I'm just getting back into dating after leaving a 2 year relationship and taking some time for myself. Quick background: the guy I dated for 2 years was nice on paper and we got along well, but at the end of the day, we really didn't have anything in common and the chemistry wasn't good (e.g. he'd miss my jokes constantly, we'd miscommunicate all the time because we didn't understand each other, etc.). I struggled for a long time thinking I was being too picky, but the more I look back, the more I realize that we just weren't a good fit. I think I knew this deep down early on in the relationship, but I kept telling myself to give it time, that he checked a lot of boxes, that he cared about me, etc.
Now that I'm getting back into dating, I'm a bit scarred from the experience. I've been on a handful of first dates where there definitely wasn't any chemistry and that was easy! I told them it was nice to meet them but that I didn't feel a connection, and we went our separate ways. Great! But I'm struggling with a guy I've been on 7 or 8 dates with. He and I have a lot more in common than I did with my ex, and the attraction is there. I enjoy spending time with him, but I can't tell if we really have good chemistry or if we're just going through the motions. Dates are fun but they still feel a bit like interviews just trying to get as much info as possible about each other. There aren't any red flags, and I'm mature enough to know that you don't have to feel insane sparks or butterflies every time you're with someone, but I'm a bit nervous that I'm confusing "no red flags, we get along" for "I could really see myself with person for a long time" again. My heart is pretty fragile after this last relationship and I don't want to give up on something good that can grow over time, but I also don't have the stamina for another long term relationship that just isn't right. I also really don't want to hurt anyone in the process because this new guy is a really good guy, and I can tell he's interested in something serious.
My question is this-- when should you give something more time to see if it grows, and when should you throw in the towel to avoid more pain after dragging something out that isn't quite right? The last thing I want is to drag someone along when I'm not sure how I feel just because I like the attention, but again, I don't want to give up if there's potential and there's more to get to know about someone. The line is blurry, and I'm confused. Most people say if you aren't certain you like the person after 3-4 dates, call it quits. But spending one 4 hour date per week for 3 weeks with someone doesn't seem like a lot of time. If you've been in a similar situation or have advice, I'd love to hear it!
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