I (23M) am uncertain about next steps in relationship with suicidal gf (21F). How do I approach this situation?
Should I (23M) plan on breaking up with suicidal LDR gf (21F)?
I’m here both to vent as well as to seek just some advice and comfort. I (23M) have been in a relationship with a girl (21F) for ~1 1/4 years, and I truly love and adore her endlessly. She’s one of the sweetest, warmest and most thoughtful souls I’ve ever had the good fortune of meeting, and I wish I didn’t find myself in this situation but I do and I feel that I’m not in a position to continue on. The entire time we’ve been together, I’ve been encouraging her to go to therapy and she’s been largely reluctant and it’s always been a battle to have her stay consistent, and I feel like I have to parent her to take her meds, drink water, fight her to get sleep, everyday. Currently, she’s in therapy, and seeing a psychiatrist, which I’m grateful for but as I’ll explain later, it’s becoming too much.
My LDR girlfriend was assaulted multiple times by different men, so has pretty severe PTSD. She is extremely depressed, and has been for most of her youth/adult life, as well as has near severe anxiety and a history of anorexia. She’s out in a state far away from her family (whom she doesn’t have a particularly good relationship with aside from her dad who travels a lot for work), and I’m on the west coast while she’s in the Midwest. She’s been wanting me to move out to be with her, but I want to stay with my family a bit longer while I study for the MCAT and maybe a bit after and she’s not been happy about that.
She’s been suicidal for probably the better portion of her life, and has had numerous attempts in the past overall, and a handful of suicidal episodes (but severe ideation and preparation, just not attempted execution) in our time together. That unfortunately changed in about mid-June, when she made an attempt while we were on FT. I stepped out for a minute to grab a snack and came back and she had taken a large amount of Tylenol, and was “working up to harder substances”. I suggested she throw it up, as I know Tylenol can be really dangerous even if not fatal. Afterwards she cried and I sat there listening to her beg for help, and how no one is helping her, trying to comfort her.
Fast forward a few days I was talking to her and she was reluctant to see her therapist, and I had to fight her to go. She eventually went but it was just so draining. We had a conversation later where she downplayed the severity, and essentially said it wasn’t a big deal, even though I thought it was. She constantly says she has a plan and often times the only reason she doesn’t act is because she’s too tired to, or because she doesn’t want to leave behind her cat her is sick, but even that’s fading as a bulwark. A running theme in our convos is that she constantly makes comments about how she doesn’t want to be alive, how she wants to die young, and I’ve come to the realisation part of me is remaining distant bc I genuinely don’t know if she will be around in the next 6 months let alone long enough to have a future. I keep telling her I feel her pain, and I don’t like it when she says things about wanting to die young, because I want a future. But she still does it.
I went out to visit her the past week and we had some good moments, but I could tell she’s so miserable and in so much pain, and she’s said she doesn’t know if she can do it (I asked what “it” was and she said living) without me. But I found her note and journal (the note was on the inside cover of her journal and included her last wishes). The note was written to me (she calls me baby boy and that’s who it was addressed to).
I told her I’d be there to support her through her mental health journey, and I wasn’t going anywhere before I left, and I really meant it. But I haven’t stopped thinking about her note, the entire time I flew back, and she said something last night about wanting to get cancer and it would be a “win-win”. And my heart just shattered. I wanted a future, and I don’t want to watch her waste away. There was more to our convo where I realised I wasn’t equipped to support her, and didn’t value the same things.
She cares so little about herself, and while she’s in therapy she’s talked about how it’s so useless and how she doesn’t deserve medication, and how no one knows how much pain she’s in.
I know I’m a dick if I leave her, especially now, after what I said. But I’m just so tired. And I just broke last night I can’t take it anymore. I’m so tired of hearing how she wants to die, when I want a future and how no one cares for her when for months I’ve been feeling her pain (as much as I could). I’m so tired of having to fight her to take basic care of herself. I thought we might’ve been the one for each other, and I don’t want to leave but I just am so tired.
I love her endlessly but I just feel so numb. She’s supposed to come to the west coast next week but the city I’m in is also the city the man who assaulted her is in too. She’s been really anxious about that and the entire travelling bit, and I am thinking of telling her to cancel the trip. I have to focus on the MCAT anyway and wouldn’t be as available to do things with her. But beyond that idk what to do. I just need help and advice.
[link] [comments]
from Dating Advice https://ift.tt/Cj1T6er
via IFTTT
No comments:
Post a Comment