Can't stop thinking about the guy I messed around

Hi,

I've been going through a situation and I just want to talk about it really. Is that okay? Haha. I am going to try and keep this pretty generic as I'm veeeery conscious of it being online for all to see...but that's kind of what I'm counting on also

I (20-something-f) am in a bit of a pickle. With many different contributing factors, but I can't seem to resolve this particular situation in my head;

I had an experience this year with a man that I met online. I admired him (thinking he was kind, smart, funny) from afar for some time as he had a girlfriend, and we began to converse more and more regularly- eventually crossing the line into daily conversation, around the same time he concluded his relationship was beyond saving

We connected. It just happened. We made semi-concrete plans to meet- if it wasn't on the planned date then it was just a question of when

We bonded over our similarities and our differences, discussed deeply personal things and generally just shared, supported and accepted each other as is. Lots of sexy talk too. He's great...god I fucked up so bad :|

Weeks before the planned meeting date, I had an argument with a close friend. She lashed out and told me a bunch of home truths, which I dealt with really badly. I withdrew from the guy in question for the evening, said I'd argued with a friend and felt bad and I'd be back later, self-harmed in the interim and felt so much worse. I recognised that I wasn't in a place to pursue anything with this guy, I was potentially damaging to know/be around and I didn't want him to experience me in that state

I said goodnight to him, revisited in the morning airing various doubts, but ultimately, not saying the main reason for my total change of attitude

We stayed talking, in a sort of limbo. He was very supportive and didn't do a thing wrong, even made me feel like I hadn't done anything wrong for totally backing off. He broke up with his girlfriend, our meeting date passed and I gradually withdrew from him

Before during and after that I never stopped considering the situation and sorting it out in my head, I wanted to have all the answers and the ability to give an ironclad promise it wouldn't happen again before we got close again. I'm a complicated person to know, I acknowledge that xD I'm even struggling to map myself out for the benefit of you guys!

Once I was ready, had it sorted, I floated around him trying to make conversation before delivering The Apology. This did not go well. Up to and including December I haven't been able to engage him in a proper conversation, but I did give a genuine heartfelt apology a couple of weeks ago. He was pretty unresponsive, I think I likely left it too long

So this really lost steam at the end but it's bumming me out and if I don't post this soon I'm gonna bail shrugs. I guess there will be a lot of these posts tonight but I've been dwelling on this for months now I'm not just sad that we didn't share holiday wishes

Pick my brains! Help me unravel this. Just give me an excuse to talk about him please omg

Thanks for reading! Eek I can't believe I'm gonna post this

submitted by /u/hermit_dt
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