My BF (lets call him Rick) and I have been together for 6 months. We had a lot of problems in the beginning of our relationship because Rick was very much in love with his ex, who he had an abusive and toxic relationship with for 2 years prior to us dating. Coupled with that, Rick is taking medication for severe Borderline, and can have extreme episodes esp. when he misses taking his medication.
There were many instances when he vented about his ex to me, about how much he missed him. We ended up breaking up 2 months into our relationship when I went on vacation, and he got back together with his ex for two weeks. We agreed we would be friends, but shortly after I came back, we hung out and he admitted to me that he loved me and wanted to try again. We took it really slow, and I was honest about how the foundation of our relationship makes me not trust him. We talked it over a lot and I began to feel comfortable that he was done with his ex, and I genuinely believe that, to this day, he has not talked to his ex since I came back into his life.
Fast forward to today. We had an amazing weekend hanging out together. I was in his apartment and he left to go hang out with his friends, since I couldn’t go as I was feeling kinda sore from the gym. Before I left, I wanted to write a cute message on a notebook I gave to him a while back for Christmas, that I didn’t think he used since it looked empty. On the first page, dates about 3 weeks ago, it said the following:
“It’s your 3 year anniversary with (Ex’s name). How do you feel? I lost something amazing, I loved him so much but he changed or maybe I saw who he truly was. I wish I could have a love like that again. OP buys me shit. He’s kinda funny sometimes. I wish we had sex more. I wish he had a better body. I feel like I can do better. I know I will have to break up with him someday. Just be careful.”
This really upset me. I grabbed some stuff I left at his place and I left. As I drove back, he called me. I immediately told him that I saw and prefaced it by apologizing for snooping. I told him I wanted to talk about it later. He explained over text messages later that it was his feelings journal as a way of coping with his extreme feelings with BPD, and he apologized that I read it.
I don’t know where else to go. I don’t think he’s cheating on me, but I don’t know if he’s happy with me. We fought a lot last month because he was upset he never got to see me (I had a lot of exams). Recently we have been having really good dates, like going out for the weekend to the country. Additionally, I occasionally buy him food and stuff because he is very poor/broke due to student loans without any money for food, but I don’t think he’s using me for that (he repayed me a month back for quite a lot when got some loan reimbursement).
I don’t really know what to do or if we should go on with this. Those words really hurt, but maybe them being in a private journal means that I was never meant to know them and should move past this. Rick said he’s willing to move on from this and he wasn’t upset/defensive (he didn’t remember what he wrote there).
Where do I go from here?
Tl;dr: BF with BPD wrote in feelings journal about him missing ex, not liking my body, wanting to break up with me, etc and don’t know if we can stay together?
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