It would take forever to go into full detail about my life so I'll try to sum it up as best I can.
I had a very rough upbringing as a child being raised with two fundamentalist Christian parents until I was 14 and have dealt with mental health issues since I was 5. It was hell growing up and one of the reasons why I never got into a relationship as a teenager. I started going to a public school sophomore year but was extremely withdrawn and the only close friend I made there got schizophrenia and will never be the same and I don't really see him anymore. The only real friends I see regularly are two brothers who I met at my first job so I don't have much of a social life.
But my biggest hurdle is that I'm on the spectrum with a nonverbal learning disorder, which may not sound severe on paper but my ability to read social cues is so compromised that I literally have no way of knowing how to date or what steps I need to take in order to find a relationship. I've dated maybe 5-6 girls but I never clicked with any of them and I felt really uncomfortable trying to date. I've tried over 10 dating apps and got virtually nothing so I'm not trying that again. I don't know how to approach women and don't understand how people do it. It almost makes me angry seeing people date because all I can think is "what are they doing that I'm not?" My inability to do the social dance is so bad that I'm beginning to feel hopeless. I'm afraid that it'll be like this forever. The few times I did try to take some initiative it went horrible because I completely misread signals and I get attached to girls stupidly easily; like it's embarrassing.
I do see a psychologist who's been tremendously helpful (I used to be A LOT worse), but even with her I don't know what to do. I'm a virgin (obviously) at 25 and am beginning to think I'll never have sex. Girls just seem to hate me. I look fine, I'm very approachable and nice to everyone I meet, and try to be as encouraging as I can. I'm very built and have been strength training since I was 12 and have a background in combat sports so I'm not feeble or overweight. I'm also in the honors program in college and am excelling. But especially now with covid I don't know what to do or how to even start trying to date.
And it's not that I'm bad with all types of relationships, I'm a great friend, my high school homeroom teacher and I still keep in touch, my English professor once had me over her house while her kids were home to help me with some schoolwork, I have six siblings and my little sister and I especially are inseparable and I love her more than anyone, my cousin (female) and I are extremely close as well, my parents love me, I have great relationships with my in laws as well, and I know I'm gonna be a great uncle to my newborn nephew. But when it comes to anything romantic I crumble. I just don't understand why I can't seem to even get close to forming a romantic relationship. Where do I begin? And what is it that girls even look for? If you have any advice at all I'm all ears.
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