I kinda to get other people's takes on my situation.
For context I am 30 year old guy. I'd say I am good looking, fit, popular, I have a good social life even though I am going through really difficult stuff. My country, Iran is at war, I am an international student in another country and dealing with many challenges regarding studies, work, my future, my family back home... I have so much on my plate: writing a thesis, writing a PhD proposal and applying to PhD programs, trying to find a part time job... while the war and my family's situation back home is a constant source of anxiety.
In addition, over the past year I had a string of crushes on three different women who were all unavailable for different reasons, and I got hurt a lot. Two of them were friends from university and they were already sleeping with other people casually, and the other one was... a flatmate. I know I know. Terrible thing to catch feelings for her. I didn't act on it, she remains a good friend, the feelings eventually fizzled out and I ended up moving out anyway without any drama but it was still a bad experience internally. They all happened in quick sucession too, like meeting someone new right after (literally just a week) after becoming convinced that it's not gonna work out with the previous person. And becoming instantly obsessive about the new person.
Unfortunately I can't find or afford therapy and I don't want to talk to university counselling about this. My self diagnosis which of course I can't trust is that I am going through a lot of stress and uncertainty about my future, i am homesick and I miss my family whom I haven't seen in two years, Its been a long while since my last relationship and last time I had sex, and I am trying to fill the void I am feeling with a partner, someone to seek shelter in, someone to feel like I am at home with.
So, becoming quite obsessed with finding a partner, I got on Hinge. I did get a bit of attention, some likes and matches, almost immediately I matched with someone (F31) who did click with me quite well. We went on six dates but nothing happened between us and she told me she didn't feel romantic attraction. I don't think we had that great of a chemistry either, but it still hurt me. Another failed attempt at dating that left me feel fucked up for a while. Specially because she had terrible communication and didn't tell me she feels that way and instead ghosted me for two weeks, and after that time randomly texted me "how are you" and I basically had to get the truth out of her.
Now, a couple weeks later after being rejected by that Hinge date, I meet someone new in this reading group that I am going. She's (F33) been paying some attention to me. She seeks me out after every session, she touches me sometimes, takes interest, sends some videos and music to me... and I found myself pretty captivated by her, and asked her to come to a bookstore with me. We went a couple of days ago, and it was such a nice evening, I enjoyed listening to her and she also seemed to want to extend the night. She told me "you have this energy around you that people just want to approach you and talk to you", Which was a nice compliment. We tasted eachother's ice creams and some slight touching here and there. Although she did talk about her exes and past relationships a bit too much for my taste lol. But I still found her so amazing to be around and just admiring her so much. And next day she asked me to go to a concert with her next week.
This should be exciting, I really do adore her and would feel lucky if she chooses to be with me. She's so smart, so cute and funny, and well spoken, she really has her life together, and she is so interesting and fascinating.
But internally something doesn't feel right: I am scared of this. I am scared that I caught feelings for someone new SO QUICKLY again. I am afraid of this one going badly, fucking it up, or misinterpreting the whole thing (maybe she is just interested in platonic friendship?). I just don't want to be hurt again, and I feel like this happened too quickly, and I didn't get to really have time to myself and find myself after the chain of painful crushes and rejections over the past year. I just wish she didn't show up in my life.
I have no energy or mental capacity for interpreting silences and time between messages, trying to guess whether she likes me or not, contemplating whether I should make plans with her again or not, feeling jealous when she talks about her ex and not knowing what to say, always thinking what should I do or what move should I make so that it works out with her... I am tired of all of that. Today when I was at the reading group I hated that I got so nervous when she came in. I didn't even manage to focus on my book because she was sitting near me. I wanted to spend some time without a crush, without this kind of anxiety, without anyone to wait for their messages or wonder why they are not replying to me. And suddenly she shows up in my life and now my brain has found this new person to get obsessed with.
I don't know how to approach this? Am I just burnt out from dating and it's not the right time and should I just stop trying to date her or anyone else? I feel like I Should I just try to be laid back, relaxed, stop trying so hard and let her take the initiative if she is interested? Or should I do the opposite and date multiple people from Hinge so that she doesn't become so big in my mind?
I don't know. I just want some perspective on this.
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