I don't like this story, but it's just so that anyone can see it and not commit the same mistakes I did.
All this began in a common day when I was 14, I had just entered the classroom and a friend(whom I'll refer as F) just screamed my name and took hold of me to tell me something, and then he just drops a fucking bomb on me, a girl(G) I talked to semi-regularly liked me.
Just like that, no prep time or anything.
At first I was excited, obviously, I was a straight teen boy afterall. Even began planning a way to ask her out. But then there was something that snapped me back, the question: "Do I like her?"
She and I were friends, she was someone I enjoyed talking to, but we only talked to each other like once a week or every few weeks because of the different school schedules. So I became confused and just decided to run away from that problem.
And so from there on out I started to slowly avoid her. It was rather easy too, since she studied in the afternoons and me in the mornings.
But F was trying to play cupid here, he always brought it up to me when the chance appeared, saying that she still liked me and was waiting for me to move.
That persisted until I eventually changed schools when I was 16, and so contact was lower. But we still maintained contact.
And then he invited me to watch a movie with him and some other people, including G. And when the day of the movie was coming closer, one by one people were cancelling, until there was only me, F, and G. To this day I don't know if it was planned or not, since they also wanted to see that movie.
But I kept my cool and didn't cancel. I thought F was done with the cupid thing. And obviously I was wrong, when we met up he said she still liked me, and was excited to see me again, that felt like a punch in my gut. I was feeling very guilty and just began thinking about the subject.
After meeting up with G we stopped by a bookstore to see if there was anything interesting. My mind was already cloudy because of her, and everythimg that had happened up ubtil that moment, and then, while my friend was looking through a book, I whispered to her if she wanted to go out with me, and she whispered a "yes".
I was happy, until I was going back home, and thought: "Why did I do that? How do I break up with her now???"
It was at that point that I REALLY started to hate myself for doing that. I legit cared about her alot, she was a dear friend to me, and here I was toying with her feelings.
And then for about 7 months I started my facade as her boyfriend, I was always on guard around her, and made excuses to avoid going to many dates with her. I just could not muster up the courage to break up with her.
Until one day I decided it was time for it to stop and tell my wrongdoings to her. I invited her to a date, and told her I what I was doing, and just kept telling her it was all my fault(and it really was), and I handed back to her a gift she gave me on my birthday, it was something minor, nothing expensive, but looking back now, I shouldn't have done that, she must've been hurt by that.
She was sad, of course, and she saw it coming, it was obvious afterall. She said she won't hold any grudges, but ti this day I don't know if I believe it or not.
And that was my first "dating" experience ever, which made me absolutely frightened of asking someone out, and made me rethink everything I knew about how to start a relationship, and that until now hasn't made any progress.
One of the things I'm proud of is never going further than holding hands and hugging, she never did anything before, we were both each other's first bf/gf of sorts.
But I absolutely despise myself because of a letter she wrote to me after we started "dating", telling me why she liked me and some other stuff she believed were my good points. I still have that letter, but never dared to open it again after reading it for the first time.
So, my mistakes, there were many, I ran from the situation instead of facing it, I didn't make up my mind, I asked her out, I agreed to met her parents, I took too long to come clean, etc.
A fun fact about this whole story, and is something I laugh about since it seems so cliche: the day before F revealed G liked me, the 2 of them were having a chat and she seemed a bit taken back, I approached them and asked what they were talking about, and they avoided answering me saying it was nothing.
Apparently F had a hunch that she liked me and asked about it, and she confirmed it and he asked if he could tell me, and she said "yes" just before I approached them. Aparently I'm dense AF for that stuff. Some rom-com/manga/movie stuff right there.
Tl; Dr:
I started a relationship out of guilt and started a 7 month long facade and traumatized myself and possibly her too for life.
Don't do anything because of the flow, always think before acting.
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