Always trust your gut feeling, they say.
When someone ghosts you, they're the issue.
Healing is never easy or linear, but it comes with ups and downs.
You hear those words over and over again. I've also told them to my friends, people who have suffered from heartbreak and other kind of pain. And yet, it's difficult to believe those words when you're in a situation you desperately want to overcome.
I (25F) met him (26M) on a dating app. We started talking but eventually, I started seeing someone else. We kept talking because I wasn't exclusive with the other person. Eventually, the guy I was seeing started to be very aggressive and we ended things on bad terms. I told the main guy of this story - let's call him Mr X - that I wanted to keep things platonic. I vented to him about most things, he listened to me and told me that while he was interested in me, he knew that I needed time for myself to heal and that it was perfectly okay to just be friends. He was supportive and caring - as you'd expect a friend to be, checking up on me multiple times a day, talking to me on the phone for several hours to make sure I was okay.
We ended up meeting one day and I told him it wasn't a date, I just wanted to hang out. I remember hugging him that night and feeling the warmth he exuded, thinking that I was feeling safe and protected like I had never before. I cried in his arms and could feel myself letting go of the pain I had been holding onto, while he rubbed my back, whispered, "I'm here for you" and kissed me on the top of my head, on my cheek.
Despite all my efforts not to go there, I was eventually weak enough to give into the desire and we kissed. That's all that happened that night. He gave me a massage and cuddled up to me all night, rubbing my stomach because my period pain wouldn't let me sleep well.
We met once more, things got sexual and he had to go back home for a month. I told him how most stories with guys ended over distance for me. I opened up about all the heartache, all of my issues, all of my fears to him. He said he'd be back in a month and therefore wasn't worried.
Things were fine in the beginning. We communicated every day and even when we didn't, I didn't feel any anxiety. Because I knew where we were standing. Until he disappeared for a week. Until I got so worried that I reached out to his brother to ask if he was okay. Later that night, Mr X called me, told me he was okay and wanted to make sure I was fine and that everything between us was okay. I confessed that I had reached out to his brother, that I wasn't proud of it but that I had lost someone who died after not being reached for days. We agreed that it wasn't the best thing I could have done, but he was very understanding.
We talked a couple of times that night, he told me he'd deleted his dating app and then - that's it. He vanished. Disappeared. Never got back to me. He was gone. As if he'd never existed. Without an explanation. Knowing how anxious dead silence made me. During our last phone call, I'd noticed something was off, that he didn't sound right. I sent him a message which he ignored. It was followed by a ton of messages from me, fueled by anxiety and confusion. Yes, I shouldn't have let my emotions get to me but I just didn't understand why someone would do that. Someone who acted like he cared. Someone who was understanding of everything.
There are more details to the story, but this has already become way too long.
But this story taught me that your gut feeling is right most of the time - too bad it was too late in my case. Follow your instincts!
And I have learnt that you don't have to hear an apology to be able to forgive. I forgive him for the pain, the sleepless nights, the anxiety. I forgive him for getting my hopes up and feeding my trust issues.
I may have done things wrong but there is NO EXCUSE for a lack of communication. None at all. No excuse for ghosting.
If something similar has happened to you, you're not alone. And you don't need answers. You may think you do, but you don't. Because they're complicated. Ghosters don't have healthy communication skills. They're victims just as much as you are. Knowing why they've done certain things doesn't make it undone. It doesn't take the pain back. And it doesn't make healing easier. Your healing process will be just as messy.
Stay strong. Someone who treats you right will come along. It will be worth it.
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