Throwaway account because I am paranoid
I [F22] was introduced to him [M24] through a mutual friend a few months ago but we live in different places and couldn’t meet in person yet because of covid. We started talking and the first 3-4 days are normal friendly stuff and we just get to know each other. At this point, he starts texting our mutual friend that I am amazing and he is very impressed by me. Our friend introduced him to me as a single guy who would be interested in a girl like me because of the things we have in common. He said, when they were meeting in person they were discussing relationships and the guy was very deep and emotional about it, he even commented on the relationship of our mutual friend and said, with his eyes getting a bit teary, that what he (our mutual friend and his partner) has is so precious and he wish he had love like this.
After the first few days, he starts getting flirty with me. He messaged again our mutual friend to ask him if I am single. At this point, he was telling me things like “[friend] told me you are single, I don’t get how. You are the most interesting person I’ve met in years” or “I have a feeling you and I will get closer and this is so great”. He generally had very busy days but he was making a bit of time for me at night. Or then he would ask me to send him sweet good morning voice messages in my mother tongue in the morning (we are from different countries). He kept telling me how impressed he was by me, and talking about all the things we would do together once we meet.
A few weeks later, he finally asked me if I liked him. I was confused about something and he said “you are so cute when you are confused” and from that he lead the conversation to that question, while being very flirty and playful. And when I said yes, he said “then I should ask you out”, he described what he wanted a date with me to be like, and said something like “wow, I am ready to date”.
After a few days I decided to ask him what he would expect from this and how far he would allow it to go. He told me he doesn’t want a relationship, and this isn’t rejection for me specifically but something he would tell to everyone, because he moved to a different country to get a master’s degree (which he just got) and built his career (he had just started working at his field of expertise), so for now he wants to focus on these things. He also added that we should keep talking and he will see, but also that he can’t know over the internet and we would have to meet first. When I said if I should take this as a no, he said it’s not an answer, neither a yes nor a no, it’s just him explaining his situation, and that me and him will always talk.
We kept talking and flirting and he asked to facetime me for the first time. It went great and we had a lot of fun. He told me I look amazing and I shouldn’t worry about my looks at all when I am with him. At this point though I had started to notice that he seems to drink a bit too much. Like, he would be with his friends and message me “I am just trying to get as drunk as possible”. He claimed that would happen only on weekends, but sometimes on weekdays, when he had to go to work the next day, he would have friends come over and drink. I had also noticed his friends seem really shitty. They mock the things he is interested in (arts), and generally they pressure him to be the “cool guy”.
A few more days went by and suddenly he disappeared for a whole week. Just ignored my last message. I got mad at him and messaged him that I am leaving and that he clearly isn’t interested in talking to me anymore. He told me we are just friends and don’t owe each other anything, and that I should chill. I told him I know we are friends and that the rest of my friends don’t treat me like this. He apologized to me and I said we are good. The next day he comes to me, very flirty, asking if I am still mad at him. I acted a bit mad because he was being playful, but he said again that he is sorry and that he knows he was being a dick.
After that we started to open up even more. I told him I had escaped an emotionally abusive relationship a few months earlier and he was helping me so much, he was basically building me up. He made me stop apologizing all the time or being scared to be myself. I told him he has a very pure heart and he is like a child and he was so moved that he cried. He was telling me how lucky he is to have me in his life, and how surprised he is by how deeply I understand him, that he wants to be the first person that I go to talk to about what excites me, that he is extremely impressed by me, and he kept inviting me to his city as soon as travelling is safe again. He promised me to organize his schedule better to find even more time for me. He also admitted that he is a difficult person but that it’s beyond his control.
He was still disappearing for days from time to time. And whenever it made me mad, he would avoid conflict and just flirt instead. Like “I am not in the mood to fight you, I just want to kiss you”. Or he would show up after days with signs of guilt and tell me things like “Don’t tell me anything, please accept me the way I am, I know I am a fucked up person”. He was also acting jealous of other male friends, he always wanted to prove that he could do the same things as them and even better, or he would just say mean things about them. He straight up told me about a male friend that he probably has a small dick. Another male friend has a crush on me and I was telling him I told him I am not interested and he doesn’t get it, and maybe I should lie to him that I have a boyfriend and he told me “yes tell him that, he should fuck off”. Or he wanted to know if I was having sex with my abusive ex (we were long distance). And whenever I showed him a photo of me, he would ALWAYS comment on my boobs and how much he likes my cleavage. And he would often tease me with sexual jokes. He was also acting quite protective of me from time to time.
On Christmas Eve we spent the whole day talking, since he wasn’t working. He told me he was extremely sad that he would spend Christmas alone because all his friends were busy. But when I was keeping him company he said he wasn’t depressed because we were there for each other. Remember the drinking I mentioned? That day he showed me that he was drinking alone during the day. He was sending me drunk voice messages saying that he is in the mood to party and losing his mind that no one was around to party with. And then he went to church, drunk. He is a very religious guy and I am thinking the church might be his sanctuary.
Two days after Christmas, we are talking and he mentions it has been almost 2 months since his last one night stand. Obviously I get hurt and I ask why he is telling this to a girl who likes him, and he got really angry and told me to shut up and that he had no idea that I liked him (!!! we had discussed it more than once and it was obvious anyway), and that if that’s my way of telling him then I have issues. We had a fight and he apologized for saying that, and also said he wants to be close friends with me, that I am attractive but he isn’t personally attracted to me physically and he doesn’t see me that way. And that this is his judgement based on pictures so he can’t know that he won’t change his mind in real life. And he also repeated that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone and isn’t looking for anyone.
We had calmed down from the fight at this point and he said he can only be a good friend to me but he would understand if I want to leave, but he will always be there for me if I need him. I said I will leave, and even though this was supposedly happening on good terms, as I was saying goodbye to him and thanking him for the good things he did for me, he just stopped reading my messages and disappeared without an answer.
The next day he was apparently in a horrible mood because he messaged our mutual friend to visit him for New Year’s because he would be alone again, and when our friend said he couldn’t because of the lockdown, he got aggressive with him and was sarcastic.
That day I also recorded some voice messages for him, I said I realized I am also not attracted to his way of life and we wouldn’t be compatible anyway. And I know that’s harsh but I told him that he is a wonderful person but he chooses to live superficially even though he could do so much more in life, and that I hope he grows. Of course he got extremely mad and he told me I am saying this just because he isn’t attracted to me, and that if I think he is such a bad person I should leave him alone. I only responded that I think he is a good person, just has horrible surroundings and for now he wants to match them and be the “cool guy”. He said he doesn’t care what I think of his life but I didn’t respond anything else.
For now all he does outside of work is partying to get as drunk as possible and having casual sex. His lifestyle is taking a toll on him and he knows it, he looks like he aged 7 years in 2 years since he moved to that country. And he notices he looks old and complains about it. He is a person who is extremely talented in the art form we both like, and has huge potential in all aspects of life. He is sensitive, soft and emotional, with a pure heart, but he wants the cool guy exterior. But I could see the child in him and what he is really like. And he feels guilt. For now he tried to stop smoking and said he couldn’t take the guilt anymore.
So what the hell happened there? He is telling the truth that he doesn’t like me? He has feelings for me but doesn’t want to act on them for other reasons (mental health? Alcohol problem? Blending in with his friends who just do “cool stuff” for now and a relationship isn’t one of them? Can’t be vulnerable for some reason?). What’s going on, should I just try to move on? I have sent him a Christmas card which he hasn't received yet and I believe he might message me. If he does have feelings I really wish I could help him.
----Even if you think I should just move on, I would still like to hear opinions on what actually happened there.----
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