Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right place for such a post, but I'm looking for some advice on dating, or more so how to cope with a lack of success in said activity.
I'm 27(M), and I have cerebral palsy. I'm not severely affected, meaning I can walk reasonable distances and am basically not limited in daily life. But if you'd seee me walk it would be very noticable. I'm generally an introverted person, though I'm not sure how much of that is due to the fact that I just always felt different because of my disability. I graduated from Uni, and have a job that I like and pays well enough for my rather simple life.
So I know that I'm blessed with many things, but I'm struggling to enjoy any of it because for years I wished to have success with women, and it just won't work. I admit that I could have forced myself to "go out more" when I was younger, but I somehow have given up hope.
I don't think I have depression, I just feel like I resigned into the fate of being not desirable for people, which makes me sad and joyless. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, because if I do, one of the following things happens:
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"You should see a therapist, because there is obviously a much deeper issue, and women won't make you happy". No, there is no deeper issue it drives me crazy that people don't believe me when I say that. I like myself. I have no unresolved childhood trauma or whatever, I have my life mostly in order. I just miss being shown any sort of romantic affection by anyone in my entire life.
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"You should enjoy all the other 'fun' things in life". I know people mean well when they say this, but it doesn't help. Of course I enjoy it when I get a piece of code working, or when I watch my favourite team win, or chuckle when I see something funny. But at the end of the day when I go to bed I am just sad because I remember that no one ever liked me.
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"You should date someone with a disability". This one makes me a bit angry. To be clear, of course I would consider dating someone with cerebral palsy, it would literally make no sense for me to reject someone based only on that. But I can't get rid of the feeling that when people say this to me, they imply that "you disabled folk should stay among yourselves, because you are not good enough for 'normal' people." They won't say it like that but the mean it that way. This really hurts me, and I don't know what to do about that I can't change the way people think.. But I refuse to do online dating on websites that are specifically set up for disabled people. Maybe that's stupid, but I won't change that. Again, I don't refuse to date anyone with a disablity, I just hate that notion of "stay among yourselves" to the core...
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"Go out and meet women, but not with any romantic intentions". This is actually the most difficult one and I feel really bad about that, because I feel like I can't do that. I read posts of women who complain about men always wanting to sleep with them, and although I don't know what that's like I think I understand that this is shit too. But if I met a women who treats me nicely, I'd instantly get my hopes up. Not because I feel entitled, but just because I've been lonely since forever and long for human contact so so much. I know that women should be able to be nice to men without that being interpreted as some sort of romantic interest, which is why I really feel bad about this. And I don't want to be a "niceguy", so it's not like I expect women to sleep with me just because I treat them like a normal person. This whole niceguy thing creeps me out. I just want to be liked for once, be found attractive. I'm so torn on this all. I totally understand that women are annoyed at everyone wanting to sleep with them, but I also don't like that it makes me feel like the bad guy because I'm not looking for "friends" but for something intimate/physical. I don't know how to handle this all..
I really struggle with this. Now with Covid I can't really go out and "try", but even if I could I don't think I'd have the energy to do it. While I enjoy talking to my friends I don't really enjoy going out with them anymore because it always reminds me of my lack of success and it hurts. Always staying at home is no solution I know that, but it hurts less. And I feel like a bad person because this makes me so sad and it shouldn't. And I feel bad because I tend to reject advice, just because it feels hopeless to me at this point. It's just that I never had that one success that makes me believe that it's not all hopeless. How should I cope with never having success?
Well, rant over I guess.. I'd be grateful for advice, maybe there is a solution and I'm just not seeing it. I hope there is.
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