A little information: (Just general stuff, take or leave,) I'm a 19 year old African-American girl, pansexual, and I am currently in college. Relatively tall, slight build, and short hair, if that helps at all.
Lately, more than I have in high school or my freshman year of college, I feel insanely unattractive and unlovable. I see so many people around me finding relationships (platonic, sexual, romantic, etc) and I feel very left out. I have tried so many times to doll myself up, be more friendly, be more approachable, and to no avail. Budding friendships die, anybody that I am attracted to seems to fade out of my life.
I have dated before, but unfortunately, I found out after our breakup (we only dated for a month, which was about a year ago.) that he was just with me in hopes of fulfilling his Jezebel-stereotype of black women being freaks in the sheets. Since then, I have tried to convince myself that a relationship has no bearing on my self worth, but I still feel really depressed. Some of the men that I openly expressed interest in (I was varied in terms of forwardness, but I've never straight-up asked for a number or date) rejected me due to my race, my weight, my height, or said that my sexuality was off putting. I have tried to enter LGBTQ+ dating circles, or asked my other queer friends for help, but nothing really bears fruit. I often get over-dramatized responses to try and classify me (femme, butch, top, bottom, etc) which I am uncomfortable with.
My personality, as an introspective, is fair. I am witty and quick with a joke, but have never been close to the 'class clown' I am very 'chill', at times bubbly, but most often quiet. My friends often say that I have a nurturing, mom-like aura, while still being quite down to earth and honest. At times, I do have a temper, but I usually express any anger or strong negativity by taking a step back and self-isolating for a short time, rather than lashing out.
As is the case with many women I've spoken to about this, I tend to blame my looks. I have a sharp jawline, broad shoulders, but I am not a pound over 116, which can come off a little tomboyish. I think that this contributes to a conflict with my 'soft' personality, perhaps people find that off putting? I struggle with body dysmorphia as a result of an eating disorder I struggled with for years, but with therapy, has been under control as of late. I have been told, and do believe, that I look slightly above average without makeup and quite pretty with makeup, which I have experimented with greatly. I can look polished, fresh, or fully done up, if need be. I have been told throughout my childhood that my slight frame and Carribean high cheekbones are modeling attributes, but I still feel quite inadequate as the men in my life have described me as androgynous or non-feminine.
Whenever I attempt to be more girly, by adjusting my wardrobe or by slightly skewing my approach to people, I am met with surface level compliments that seem to bear no real influence ("oh my goodness, you look good in a dress!" "A skirt for once! Nice change!" "Oooh, she's pretty!" \(said in a patronizing way, most of the time)**)
I may come off as people pleasing in this post, but that is not really the case. I just describe the times I have tried to adjust myself, but these attempts are actually very sparse. I don't come from wealth, so I haven't really done any complete closet overhauls or expensive cosmetics.
Anyhow, I am in urgent need of advice on how to go about dating and general platonic relationship building. I do have a small circle of friends, who I love dearly as if they were family, but they go to different colleges and we rarely get together. I don't think it wrong or self-serving to want to develop new friendships and meet new people. However, every time I try, I find myself reaching out to an indifferent individual, or alone in my apartment, with nobody to talk to (even virtually, considering the current pandemic).
What am I doing wrong? Please give any advice you think would help, and I am totally able to answer questions, or provide a picture if this post gains traction. Thank you very much. <3
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