I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. I've been in therapy for the last 4 years since leaving the relationship and I'm in a very healthy place, but there are some panic responses that I haven't been able to break yet.
I'm doing really well overall but I'm struggling with how and when I'm supposed to open up about my past with someone new. Ideally I want to wait until we know each other well enough that I trust them to not feel burdened by it or to think it defines me in any way. The problem is, sometimes the trauma shows itself before I've had the chance to bring it up.
The most obvious way is if my partner seems upset with anything, even if it's beyond clear that it has nothing to do with me like they're just angry about something at work, it inevitably sets off a panic attack where all I can say is "I'm sorry" over and over again. I get fidgety and jumpy and often hyperventilate and any attempts I make to say something else just result in me stammering for half a minute, then apologizing for stammering. Rinse and repeat. The more they ask why I'm apologizing or tell me they're not annoyed with me, the worse it gets because it just adds to the pressure I'm already putting on myself to snap out of it and be normal.
How do you disclose this in a way that stops the other person from defining you by this, or scaring people off with your baggage? And when's a good time in dating/new relationships to bring it up?
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