This is going to be quite a long post. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads through the whole thing, I appreciate the time spent looking into a random stranger's issues. I'll separate this into sections so it is easier to read.
Introduction
I used to make posts on here all of the time about girls that may (or may not) have been into me. The girl that got away, the cute girl at work, whatever girl I happened to be crushing hard on at the time. I would prattle away with excuse after excuse, looking for signs that she liked me in the most desperate of ways and craving the validation that came with them. I wanted so badly to make a move and be the bold, confident guy I am in other fields, but I never could. I was never a threat, so they kept me around as the funny nice guy who would never be more of a friend. For anyone who needs an example of this, go check my post history, it speaks for itself. I haven't posted here in a while, and I come here in search of general answers or advice. I have a group of friends who I like very much, some successful with girls and some not, but after going to advice for them times in the past, I have come up with pretty much nothing. My parents too offer little in the way of relationship advice, so all together it seems like this is something I am forced to figure out by myself. However its been 21 years and I'm still not there yet, so here I am, and here I go. I'll start from the very beginning of these stories and then get into the mental stuff to paint a full picture of my struggles.
High School Years
I'm a nice guy. I've always been a nice guy. I don't think I'm a "nice guy" in the way that I get hurt and angry when turned down. I understand that being alive does not entitle me to sex and relationships, yet the utter lack of both so far has become exceedingly frustrating. I was socially awkward as a kid and through most of my high schools years. While not autistic by any definition, I am close to it on the spectrum and I lack social awareness. Over the last year or so, I have really improved in this, but back in high school it wasn't until senior year that I really started to come into my own. My parents always said I was a year or two behind socially, which was probably an accurate statement.
Anyway, in high school I followed a pattern where I would crush on these girls, and never be man enough to ask them out. I would rely on glancing eye contact, body language cues, and the most subtle of imagined verbal hints to convince myself that these girls were interested, and live peacefully within my fantasy world while they talked to and went out with other guys. I wanted to talk to them, to be cool and funny, like I was with my friends (both girls and guys) but I just couldn't.
In senior year of high school I met the girl of my dreams. At least, I thought she was. All through that summer I missed clear signs that she was into me. Missed might not be the right word, rather I only noticed hours afterwards and then resumed my wait for the next one. For two years I was in love with the idea of this girl, and yet I never got as far as a single date. Instead, I realized my genius strategy of never interacting with girls I liked in any way wasn't working, and so I become her best friend instead. From here I think it is pretty clear how things went. I confessed my feelings over text after she already started dating another guy, and she wasn't interested. To this day I were still kind of friends through other friends, but all hint of any connection has gone.
This situation has repeated itself with a number of girls, most of all this cute girl from work. Once again, I saw all the cues she was into me. She would ask me if I was a player, tell me to take her out on dates, and talk about being my girlfriend. So I asked her out, nothing could go wrong right? Turns out I was wrong again, and she turned me down not once but twice. After all of this, I realized I had to be doing something wrong, and so I turned to the thing I had always been best at, reading.
Studying
Last summer, with the quarantine and all, I had a lot of free time on my hands. I used this time to read up on everything I could find about attraction and dating. I spend a lot of time browsing this subreddit, reading guides and perspectives, but most of my education upon this topic came from three sources : Corey Wayne (both his book and YouTube) , GirlsChase (book & website) and the Book of Pook. Together they helped open my eyes to what I was doing so wrong and taught me a couple harsh truths along the way. Armed with all the theory and conjecture in the world, I knew how to properly attract girls and enhance my own attractiveness, and yet when put into practice, I still found no success.
This last year I've spent as much time as possible improving myself. I have gotten much better socially, my confidence is improved and I can't make friends and join new social groups easily. Looks wise, I have always known myself to be at least a little above average looking, but I have also started working out and dressing better on a regular basis. I notice the girls I meet now at parties and social gatherings appear more interested, and the ones I'm friends with act the same. However I still have a couple social problems that I just can't seem to get past.
Current Struggles
So I've got the social skills (or at least I'm getting them), I've got enough in the looks department, and I've got all the know how in the world. But things are still going wrong in my head and it's stopping me from making any progress.
I'm generally a confident guy. Ask any of my friends, girls or guys, and they would say the same thing. I know I've got value, I know I'm a good looking guy, I know I have a great personality. In fact, I know most girls would be content (if not happy) to talk if I approached them, and many would enjoy if I made a move. I know rejection isn't the end of the world and is no reflection on myself. Everything combined, and it might seem like I know everything I need to in order to be successful. Lastly, I know I'm self aware, so I know the problem. The problem is that I am also a procrastinator.
I just started hanging out with this new girl a couple months ago, during the summer. We started hanging out as friends and going to parties together. I could tell from the vibe that she liked me, we would flirt and joke around a lot. I remember we had a running thing going that I would just have to kiss her one day, and it was only half a joke. Problem is, that day never came. Instead I convinced myself that I didn't really like her and she was better off as a friend, keeping any possible feelings suppressed lest I let this go the way of the first two girls. We're still good friends now, but she's dating another guy, and I let the moment pass.
Why did I let this go? To be honest, I'm not really sure. Sometimes I think that I just avoid putting myself out there at this point. With both my friends and my family I have never been able to open up and be vulnerable, and I feel this carrying over to my (lack of) love life. Did I want to kiss the hell out of that last girl? Yes. 100% yes. Yet at the time, there were too many doubts and too many reservations. We wouldn't go well together anyway! How could I make a move with all our friends around? What if she wasn't interested and made fun of my attempts to take things further?
This lack of action doesn't just include close friends of mine, but also girls in school, at parties, all over the place. Armed as I am with all my knowledge, I can't bring myself to approach a girl and risk that rejection. I can't get over that anxiety. Even at parties, when I do manage to talk and interact with girls, it all goes smooth until that moment. The one where I become awkward and stutter out a weird line asking for their number. Even if I get it, I can never get past that talking stage.
Final Thoughts
I'm not sure why all of this affects me so bad, as I am a confident and successful guy in almost every other idea. But it is having a severe impact on my life. I can barely even begin to visualize myself as a "Sexual Guy" It's hard to imagine sex with a girl I like, or even telling a girl I want her, telling a girl she is beautiful, making myself vulnerable in any way. It's like a foreign concept that I just can't get. The few times I do get dates, usually through Tinder or friends, I'm not attracted to the girl and can't even bring myself to go out with her. I find myself watching more porn, once every two or three days, but I want so much more than that out of my life.
I turned down a date tonight, a sweet girl from Bumble, because I wasn't all that attracted to her. She was nice enough, but not my type physically (a bit too chubby) and our previous phone call lacked any spark of chemistry. So here I am instead, regretting not going out but also glad at the same time, writing this plea for help in the hopes that one of you Reddit strangers might diagnose the problem.
I've seen all my guy friends around me settle for unhappy relationships and girls they aren't really all that happy with, and I won't accept that. I'm not after one night stands or casual sex, though I wouldn't be against them of course. I seek a relationship, or at the very least a couple dates to get some experience, with a girl I am at least somewhat attracted to in both looks and personality.
Conclusion / TLDR
So, I know this is a lot, and once again I thank anyone who read it all. I don't know if I need a therapist, a good friend, or just to get laid. All I know is that I feel as if I am missing out on such an important part of life, holding myself completely on the outside as I watch all my friends and others my age date and hook up around me. This has leaned on turning into a rant at times, but all the same I probably do need somewhere to vent, so if I was unclear at any points, feel free to message or reply with a question and I'll answer in detail. I want to remove these self-imposed restraints and allow myself to get out there, I'm just not sure how to do it.
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