I want to discuss something that has a bit more of a serious tone and has been heavy on my mind, and it's something I wish someone had brought awareness to me about at the time.
Trigger warning this story does contain details associated with domestic rape
Just a bit of background, I grew up in a very religiously conservative household in a family who was quite involved in our church and ran a popular ministry. Anyways, when it came to dating… Kissing was barely tolerated outside of marriage, so God forbid you have sex because in that world, it was a fast track to hell.
So when I started dating my first boyfriend around 16/17yrs old, I was very clear and adamant that I wanted to save myself for marriage. I made sure to express this before we even entered into a relationship and he agreed to uphold and respect my decision.
About 6 months into the relationship, my bf(18m) had started to erode some of the boundaries I had clearly set. Being flattered because I felt like I was wanted by my boyfriend, I let some stuff slide, although I was quite communicative about things that made me too uncomfortable. However, he still pushed at every opportunity, but in a very subtle way and with clever timing about making moves when I'd be most vulnerable. I.e. we would be making out and he would get a little aggressive and handsy, it might've come across in a sexy way but it was his way of creating a moment to let things slide.
Anyways, the long and short of it was that I was at his house alone with him and we were making out and he told me to take my pants off. I told him "no" and that I was uncomfortable. He laughed it off and undressed me himself, he was firmly persistent but I didn't physically stop him, I just begged him not to put me in this compromising position. He continued to casually laugh it off like I was being dumb, and he "knew how much I wanted it". See, naturally of course I wanted to have sex with him, but I was so far from ready to and my convictions were significantly more important to me at the time. But he was so verbally/physically persistent that I let him have his way, and in doing so I lost so much of my little 17yr old self.
The guilt I felt following this incident was unlike anything I could ever conceive. I blamed myself and it wasn't until somewhat recently that I allowed myself to realize what actually happened. Which was that I didn't actually consent and my plea was not respected. Rape can and will take on many different appearences and can happen even in domestic situations, with a partner.
I have spent many years healing from that situation and that relationship in general, because as you may not be surprised to find out, that relationship eventually explored every layer of toxicity to be had in a relationship and it didn't take long for it to be every level of mentally, physically and emotionally abusive.
I'm proud of myself and how far I've come but it has become increasingly important to me to spread awareness on this topic. So please, please be aware, and always remember whether you are dating someone or not, you do not owe anyone anything. Just because they are your significant other, does not make them entitled to your body, unless you have given that permission.
Also, before anyone says anything, I am very removed from that toxic religious culture. I have since found myself in my adulthood and have learned to embrace sex as a natural and amazing thing. And firmly believe that putting too much focus on virginity can and will create toxic virginity complex in young people (especially girls).
Anyways, I hope my story can help someone navigate the complexities of relationships and see things for what they are.
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